When Love Puts You in Danger: How Domestic Violence Impacts Friends

 

Understand this. Girls and young women struggling to figure out how to support a friend in a violent relationship are not “b—tches” or “selfish”. They are afraid, concerned, terrified, anxious, nervous, irritated, and justifiably furious. Domestic abuse has a long and deadly reach. 

 Domestic violence doesn’t just stay behind closed doors; it spills over and impacts everyone connected to the victim—including friends. As someone who’s walked this path for decades, I’ve seen how dangerous it can be, even for those who simply care.

When a person decides to stand by a victim of domestic violence, they are standing against control, power, and manipulation. Abusers often see friends as a threat because they offer support, courage, and perspective—the very things that weaken the abuser’s hold. 

This puts friends directly in the line of fire.

The danger isn’t just emotional or psychological; it’s very real and very physical. Abusers may threaten or harm friends to isolate the victim further. 

They know if they can cut off that lifeline, they can tighten their grip. Friends have been stalked, harassed, assaulted, and even murdered just for being a source of support. The fear is real and justified.

But it doesn’t stop there. Friends who try to intervene, even with the best intentions, may find themselves targeted by the abuser’s anger. It’s not uncommon for abusers to spread lies, manipulate social circles, or retaliate in ways that can damage careers, reputations, and peace of mind.

And let’s talk about the emotional toll. Watching someone you love suffer through abuse is agonizing. It’s a unique kind of helplessness, one that can drain your energy, affect your mental health, and even impact your relationships. It hurts.

Sometimes, friends blame themselves for not being able to “save” the victim, leading to guilt, anxiety, and depression. 

When a woman is murdered by her relationship partner, the friends she left behind do not always find other friends.  The loss, every fragile step towards the loss, and the ultimate horrifying end–is just too much to chance going through again. 

Why We Must Do More

Yet, this is precisely why community matters.  Why solidarity matters. It’s why we must find ways to support victims safely and wisely—by educating ourselves, building networks of support, and connecting victims with professional help. We must understand that the risk is real, but the power of non-violent adults standing together is even greater.

Most societies rely too heavily upon girls and young women to fix and change problems that have plagued this planet for centuries. That’s unfair. That’s impossible.  Let them choose safety, peace, and joy. 

Friends of victims need to remember that while love and loyalty are powerful, so are boundaries and safety plans. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t help if you become a victim too. Let safe adults who can help get involved. 

We need to be strategic. We need to be safe. And above all, we need to stand together—because no abuser’s power is stronger than a community’s resolve to protect its own.

Press governments and others with more resources to invest in the safety of women and girls. 

Final word: Please consider blaming violent men for a change. It is this behavior that is shattering sisterhood. 

 Right now we are living in a lopsided world that coddles violent boys and men while silencing girls and demanding more labor for them to keep these boys and men content for a little while longer.  Young women and girls should not be expected to tame a tiger governments have yet to even approach.

Call for an end to this. 

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