“Why Can’t I Say She Made a Bad Choice?”

We hear it all the time.

“She knew he was violent.”
“We warned her.”
“She got mad at us for trying to help.”
“Why can’t I say she made a bad choice?”

Here’s why:

Because what you’re calling truth is actually just judgment dressed up in concern.

It may make you feel smarter. It may help you feel safer—like you’d never fall for that. But it doesn’t make anyone else safer.

Let’s be honest:
Telling a Survivor, “You should’ve known better,” doesn’t change the laws.
It doesn’t increase emergency housing.
It doesn’t create fast exit strategies.
It doesn’t protect children.
It doesn’t educate the next person in line.
It doesn’t build a single safe space.
It only isolates and shames.

That is not “work” or being part of the solution. It is shaming the victim and being part of the problem. 
And it allows predators to stay hidden behind our finger-pointing.

“But He Was Already Known to Be Violent.”

Yes, maybe some people warned her.
Yes, maybe he had a reputation.
And yes, that’s still not the point.

Because here’s what we know:

🧨 Violent people don’t run out of partners.
🧨 Warnings are often tangled up in control, jealousy, or ulterior motives.
🧨 Abusers can be extremely charismatic.
🧨 Some people become violent without any prior history.

Let that sink in:
It’s not just the “obvious” predators.
It’s also the charming ones.
The respected ones.
The quiet ones.
The ones who decide to cross the line in one instant, and now someone’s life is forever altered.

That’s why your “should’ve known” doesn’t hold up.

What Survivors Really Need

Let’s shift our energy away from “I told you so,” and toward what actually helps:

• 🚪 Safe exit options that don’t require proof, perfect planning, or total isolation

• 🧭 Emergency funds and housing for people trying to leave quietly

• 🤝 Survivor-centered workplaces and schools with flexible policies

• 📚 Community education that teaches red flags without shame

• 🛑 Policies that remove violent people—not their victims

• 💬 Language that honors a Survivor’s courage, not their “mistakes”

This Is Bigger Than You and What You Know

We have to stop acting like violence is something we can always predict.

We can’t.

We need to stop creating a culture where you only deserve protection if you made all the right choices.

Because no one gets everything right.

And if safety is only reserved for the perfect?
Then we are building a world where no one is truly safe.

We need more than hindsight.

We need resources.
We need urgency.
We need systems that respond before a life is lost.
We need compassion that doesn’t expire when someone “misses a sign.”
We need to believe women even when they’ve been hurt by someone we don’t want to believe is capable.

We need to stop pointing fingers—and start opening doors.

Safety shouldn’t depend on perfection.
It should depend on support.
And that’s the kind of world we’re trying to build.

#WeSurviveAbuse #SupportSurvivors #SafetyOverShame #BoundariesSaveLives #VictimBlamingIsViolence