Background and Vulnerability: She explains that she and her brother had been sent to stay with her aunt and uncle for what was intended to
- Background and Vulnerability: She explains that she and her brother had been sent to stay with her aunt and uncle for what was intended to be a few weeks, which turned into three years [00:08]. Because she lacked the stability of her immediate family, she felt deeply vulnerable and eager for approval [01:12].
The Incident: When she was nine, her uncle called her into the basement [00:41]. After flattering her with compliments she had never heard before, he raped her [01:03].
The Aftermath and Denial: She stated that she told what happened immediately, but her uncle claimed she was lying [01:22]. Nothing was done to protect or support her.
The Lasting Toll: Vanzant highlights that alongside the assault itself, the deepest damage came from being ignored, silenced, and forced to continue living in the home with her abuser as if nothing had happened [01:31]. She describes carrying that weight—what she calls “that brick”—for forty years before coming to terms with how power dynamics and childhood abandonment factored into what she experienced [01:46].
What makes that clip so complicated is that Iyanla describes the rape by her uncle at nine through a framework in which she came to understand what he did as, in some sense, the way he expressed love. That deserves careful handling rather than being flattened into a conventional Survivor narrative.
We can respect a Survivor’s authority to describe and conceptualize her own experience without adopting her interpretation as guidance for other Survivors.
I would never want to write, “Iyanla is wrong about her own experience.” She owns her story. She gets to decide what understanding allows her to live with it, heal from it, forgive, not forgive, reinterpret it, or put it somewhere in the architecture of her life.
But WeSurviveAbuse does not have to teach that sexual abuse is an expression of love. Abuse, assault, molestation and rape is never a demonstration of genuine and authentic love for another human being.
Iyanla Vanzant has earned the right to make meaning of her own life. I would never take that from a Survivor. If understanding her uncle’s actions through the framework she describes has been part of her healing, that belongs to her.
But I have spent too many years concerned with the safety of children to teach children that sexual abuse can be an expression of love. Adults may have complicated feelings. Families may have complicated histories. Survivors may eventually make complicated meanings from what happened to them. Children need something much simpler from us: adults do not sexually touch children. A child’s love for an adult does not create consent, and an adult’s claim of love does not transform sexual abuse into loving behavior.
People speak from wherever they are. They may still love the person who harmed them. Minimize what happened. Blame themselves. Describe abuse through a religious, familial, cultural, or other ideological framework. Forgive. Refuse forgiveness. Reinterpret an offender’s intentions. Contradict themselves years later. None of those things cancels their experience or makes their testimony worthless.
Listen to her. Respect her ownership of her story. Then let’s think carefully together about what we should teach the next nine-year-old.
For child-safety education, the message needs to be much clearer. Adults can say they love children. Children can genuinely love adults who abuse them. An abusive adult may even behave lovingly at other times. None of that makes the sexual behavior an expression of healthy love or makes the child responsible for understanding the adult’s motives.
Nevertheless, many of Iyanla’s books and teachings have helped me in my healing journey. I am grateful and appreciative for her and her decades of work.
🚨 Fear-Based Manipulation Isn’t Love—It’s Control Dressed as Concern – WE Survive Abuse
Healing Hurts—and It Hurts for a Long Time – WE Survive Abuse
10 Important Things I Might Be Unlearning on My Healing Journey – WE Survive Abuse
Healing Is Not Linear—It’s Rhythmic – WE Survive Abuse