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No child is “the issue.” This is about the adults.
Some people seem very concerned about whether boys feel included in girls’ sports. I wonder how much of that concern is really about sports, and how much of it reflects something society has never quite finished confronting.
Have we actually unlearned sexism?
Not just the old-fashioned belief that girls shouldn’t play sports, become doctors, lead organizations, or pursue careers traditionally reserved for men.
I’m talking about the sexism that survives even among people who consider themselves “progressive.” The kind that applauds some women’s accomplishments but still expects girls to accommodate boys. The kind that celebrates female independence until a girl exercises it in a way someone finds inconvenient.
Because some people may have accepted that girls can achieve great things without ever fully accepting that girls are entitled to pursue those things for themselves.
Girls Are Not Here to Serve Boys
For generations, girls were taught to make room for boys.
They were expected to be pleasant, accommodating, understanding, and supportive. Boys could be competitive. Girls were supposed to be good sports about whatever happened.
Girls are often expected to manage boys’ feelings, tolerate their behavior, and consider their needs before their own. Women’s sports challenged that arrangement.
They gave girls opportunities to discover what their own female bodies could accomplish. They could compete against other girls, develop their abilities, experience victory and disappointment, and learn what it meant to work toward something they wanted.
Something completely independent from what would make them more attractive to boys. Completely unfocused on how they would support men. Because their own lives were worth developing.
Your Personal Success Does Not Answer the Question
I especially want women who have achieved professional, educational, athletic, or financial success to consider something.
Your accomplishments are wonderful. But pointing to your own success does not establish that you support the same opportunities for other women and girls.
You may have attended excellent schools. You may have enjoyed competitive opportunities, privacy, financial independence, and the freedom to make decisions about your own life.
The question is whether you believe other women and girls deserve those things, too.
Do you want girls to enjoy the independence you enjoy? Do you want them to have opportunities that belong to their own development?
And when a girl establishes a boundary, do you respect her decision, or do you begin explaining why she should make an exception for somebody else?
These questions become particularly important when women of means are discussing the lives of girls who have fewer choices.
A wealthy family may be able to change schools, pay for private coaching, join another athletic program, or pursue legal remedies.
A working-class girl may have one school, one team, and one realistic opportunity to compete.
Her opportunities deserve consideration, too.
We Do Not Need to Organize Every Conversation Around Boys’ Feelings
Adolescence can be difficult. Boys experience insecurity, rejection, disappointment, confusion, and frustration. So do girls.
We can acknowledge those experiences without making boys’ emotional development the central organizing principle of girls’ athletics. Can’t we?
Girls are adolescents, too.
They are learning to live in changing bodies. They are developing confidence, discovering strengths, building friendships, and trying to understand their place in the world.
Some are already dealing with harassment, body shaming, family hardship, and the pressure to be agreeable.
Why should their opportunities become secondary whenever someone raises concerns about boys’ inclusion? Because actually we are discussing the time-honored tradition of excluding girls. It isn’t about how many boys ARE playing. It is about how many girls ARE NOT playing. Are not winning. Are not practicing. Are not involved in activities that will develop a lifetime of social skills and confidence.
Boys deserve guidance and support. Girls deserve development and opportunity. Neither requires treating girls as supporting characters in boys’ lives.
Sometimes Sexism Sounds Like a Lesson in Kindness
This is one of the patterns I find especially troubling.
A girl expresses discomfort, disagreement, or a boundary, and suddenly the conversation shifts away from what she needs.
Now people want to discuss whether she is compassionate enough.
Whether she is welcoming enough.
Whether she is being selfish.
Notice what happened. A conversation about a girl’s opportunity and needs….. became an examination of her character.
Women have encountered versions of this for generations. We have been told to smile, be understanding, avoid embarrassing men, protect their feelings, and make sacrifices for the sake of “harmony.”
Those expectations do not automatically become fair because someone presents them in modern language.
We should be able to discuss inclusion, athletic eligibility, and fairness without treating girls’ willingness to accommodate others as proof of their moral worth. Without coming to the conclusion that girls owe something. Have a debt to pay.
Girls do not have to earn respect by demonstrating how much they are willing to give up.
Have We Unlearned Sexism, or Have We Simply Changed Its Vocabulary?
This is the question I would like more adults to consider. We have become more comfortable celebrating successful women. We cheer for female athletes, admire women business owners, and encourage girls to dream big.
That IS progress.
But sexism is not only about telling girls they cannot succeed. Sometimes it appears in the conditions we attach to their success.
You can compete, provided you remain accommodating.
You can have boundaries, provided nobody objects.
You can speak, provided your words do not make anyone uncomfortable.
You can pursue your ambitions, provided you remember that somebody else’s needs may come first.
If those expectations fall disproportionately on girls, we have more work to do. A whole lot of it.
And that work belongs to adults.
It is not a responsibility we should place on young female athletes who simply want to participate in sports.
Women Can Benefit From Progress Without Fully Supporting It for Others
History has shown us that women are not automatically free of sexist beliefs simply because we are women.
Women have fought AND women have defended restrictions on other women’s education, employment, clothing, independence, and public participation.
Some women challenged those restrictions. Others helped enforce them.
Some women overcome barriers without ever questioning why those barriers should exist for anyone else.
She may value her own independence while believing other women should be more accommodating.
She may enjoy the protections that come with wealth and social standing while dismissing the concerns of women who cannot purchase those protections.
We ought to be willing to examine that contradiction without becoming defensive. That is how we grow.
Because supporting women’s advancement means more than celebrating exceptional women who succeed.
It means caring about the ordinary girl who wants to run track, play basketball, swim, lift weights, or join her school team.
She may never become famous. She may never earn a scholarship or win a championship.
Her opportunity still belongs to her development.
The Question Is What We Want for Girls Who Are Not Us
I would like us to spend less time treating every disagreement about girls’ sports as an opportunity to examine girls’ attitudes toward boys.
Let’s examine our own attitudes toward girls. All girls.
Do we believe their athletic development deserves serious consideration?
Do we respect their physical boundaries?
Do we believe they should have meaningful opportunities to compete in female athletic categories?
Can we listen when they express concerns without immediately questioning their kindness or character?
And are we willing to defend opportunities for girls who lack the money, influence, or family connections to defend those opportunities themselves?
We should also be willing to ask whether our expectations would change if the athletes being asked to accommodate others were boys.
Girls Deserve a Generation of Adults Willing to Examine Themselves
I do not believe every person who supports boys’ inclusion in girls’ sports is secretly motivated by sexism. People arrive at their positions for different reasons. But I do believe we should examine whether old sexist expectations are influencing what we ask girls to accept.
And we should stop assuming that calling ourselves progressive means we have completed the work of unlearning sexism.
That work is ongoing. It requires us to notice whose ambitions we prioritize, whose boundaries we respect, and whose disappointments we expect other people to manage.
Sometimes the question really is about girls.
Their bodies. Their opportunities. Their independence. Their futures.
So rather than asking girls how much more they are willing to accommodate, perhaps we should ask ourselves how much sexism we still have left to unlearn.
And when we point proudly to the opportunities women have gained, let’s remember the question that remains:
Do we want those opportunities, freedoms, and protections for other women and girls, too?
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