Stalking can be difficult to explain because any single incident may look small when separated from everything around it. A car passes your house. S
Stalking can be difficult to explain because any single incident may look small when separated from everything around it.
A car passes your house.
Someone sends flowers.
Your ex appears at the grocery store.
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com M
A new account follows you.
Someone calls and hangs up.
He tells a mutual friend something he could not reasonably know.
Then somebody asks, “But what did he actually do?”
That question can leave a woman trying to explain six months of fear in six minutes.
This is why documentation can be so important.
Stalking is generally about a course of conduct, not necessarily one dramatic event. The U.S. Department of Justice defines stalking as a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for their safety or the safety of others, or suffer substantial emotional distress. State laws vary, so documentation does not guarantee that particular conduct will meet your state’s legal definition.
Documentation can do something memory alone cannot always do:
It can put the incidents beside one another so the pattern becomes visible.
Here are 12 things worth documenting.
1. Keep a stalking incident log
Start with the basics.
For every incident, record the date, time, location, what happened, who was present, whether there were witnesses, how you responded, whether police or security were contacted, and any report or case number.
Be factual.
Instead of:
He was acting crazy again.
Write:
September 14, 8:42 p.m. I arrived home. His blue Honda was parked across the street. He remained there until approximately 9:17 p.m. I did not communicate with him. My neighbor Maria saw the vehicle.
SPARC provides an actual Stalking Incident and Behavior Documentation Log designed for this purpose.
SPARC Stalking Documentation Log and Victim Handbook
2. Document the little incidents too
This may be one of the most important things women need to know.
Do not document only the incidents that seem dramatic enough to impress someone else.
SPARC and the National Domestic Violence Hotline emphasize looking at stalking as a pattern involving multiple tactics. The Hotline specifically recommends documenting behavior that makes you afraid or uncomfortable even when an individual incident appears minor.
The third unwanted flower delivery may mean something different when your log also contains 17 calls, four drive-bys and two appearances at work.
The pattern may be the evidence.
3. Save the actual messages
Don’t rely exclusively on writing, “He threatened me by text.”
Preserve the text when safely possible.
Save texts, emails, direct messages, social-media messages and other communications. Screenshots should ideally show identifying information, dates and times, rather than only the threatening sentence floating by itself. The Hotline also recommends printing certain electronic communications with sender, recipient, date and time information visible.
And when possible, preserve the original electronic message too.
A screenshot is useful.
The original may contain information a screenshot doesn’t.
4. Save the boring messages too
This is something I would underline.
Not every useful message contains a threat.
Where are you?
Who are you with?
I saw you.
You looked nice today.
Tell your sister I said hello.
I know you’re home.
Depending on the surrounding circumstances, seemingly ordinary messages may help establish knowledge, unwanted contact or a larger pattern.
Don’t make yourself responsible for deciding which piece of evidence will someday become important.
Preserve the context.
5. Preserve voicemails
A voicemail can preserve more than words.
It can preserve the caller’s voice, tone, timing and what was said at that particular moment.
The Hotline recommends saving abusive voicemails and documenting the date and time.
If you’re receiving repeated calls, also preserve call logs showing frequency and timing.
Thirty calls can tell a story that “he kept calling me” cannot.
6. Photograph physical evidence
Someone scratched your car.
Flowers appeared at work.
A note was left on your windshield.
Something was moved outside your home.
A package arrived that you didn’t request.
A tracker was discovered.
Photograph it before throwing it away, repairing it or otherwise changing it, when doing so is safe.
Take photographs from different distances when useful. One photograph can establish the overall scene while another captures identifying information, damage, handwriting, serial numbers or other details.
And record the discovery in your incident log.
7. Record witnesses
Your coworker saw him waiting outside.
Your neighbor saw his car.
The receptionist received the call.
Your sister was sitting beside you when the message arrived.
Write that down.
Record the person’s name, what they personally observed and, when appropriate, their contact information.
Try not to turn your log into an investigation of other people’s memories. Simply preserve who witnessed what.
Six months later, you may not remember which coworker was standing beside you.
8. Document third-party contact
Stalking doesn’t always come directly from the person.
Document messages delivered through friends, relatives, coworkers, children or acquaintances.
Also record suspicious contacts such as new social-media accounts repeatedly appearing after previous accounts were blocked.
The Hotline notes that a stalker may change phone numbers or email addresses or create additional social-media accounts after being blocked.
Again, don’t look at each event in isolation.
9. Document unexpected appearances
If someone repeatedly appears where you are, record each occurrence.
Where?
When?
How long were they there?
What happened?
Did they approach you?
Did they photograph you?
Did they speak?
Did they leave when you left?
Did anyone else see them?
SPARC identifies behaviors such as following, spying, waiting at places and repeatedly appearing at locations as behaviors that can form part of stalking.
One unexplained encounter might be coincidence.
Your documentation may eventually show whether coincidence remains a reasonable explanation.
10. Document technology incidents
This category has become enormous.
Save evidence of unknown-tracker alerts, suspicious account-login notifications, password-reset attempts you didn’t initiate, impersonation accounts, unwanted social-media posts, repeated online contact, location-sharing changes and other unexplained digital activity.
If something appears briefly on your screen, capture it when safe.
NNEDV’s Safety Net Project recommends preserving technology-related evidence before deleting or removing it when possible. Evidence can include screenshots, photographs, videos, voicemails and emails with expanded headers.
But there is an important safety exception.
If you suspect your device itself is being monitored, don’t assume that device is a safe place to build your evidence file. SPARC recommends considering another safer device in such circumstances.
NNEDV Safety Net technology-safety resources
11. Keep police, security and institutional records together
If you report an incident, document the report itself.
Keep police report numbers, officers’ names, dates, protective-order information, workplace security reports, campus reports and other official records together.
SPARC specifically recommends documenting police reports along with the incidents themselves.
If your apartment manager has security footage, your workplace has badge-access records or a business has surveillance footage that may be relevant, note its existence quickly. Such records may not be retained indefinitely.
12. Document escalation
Your log should help you see change over time.
Perhaps the unwanted messages became appearances.
The appearances became following.
Following became threats.
Or contact that occurred once every few weeks suddenly happens every day.
SPARC warns that stalkers may use multiple tactics and that stalking behavior can escalate. Its risk resources are specifically designed to help Survivors and professionals examine the larger pattern rather than individual events in isolation.
Frequency matters.
Intensity matters.
Changes matter.
Write them down.
Don’t Keep Your Only Copy Somewhere the Stalker Can Reach
A beautiful documentation file isn’t useful if the person stalking you can delete it.
The Hotline recommends keeping documentation somewhere the abusive person is unlikely to find or access.
Depending upon your circumstances, that might mean copies held by a trusted person, printed records stored elsewhere, or another secure location.
And remember our previous discussion about technology-facilitated abuse: if you suspect someone has access to your phone, cloud account or email, creating a folder labeled STALKING EVIDENCE inside that same compromised ecosystem could reveal exactly what you are doing.
Safety comes before perfect recordkeeping.
You Don’t Need to Prove the Whole Case Today
There is another reason I want women to document.
Memory under prolonged stress can be messy.
Someone asks, When did that happen?
You remember February.
Then you realize it was March.
Now you worry that getting one date wrong means nobody will believe anything else.
A contemporaneous log takes some of that burden away.
You don’t have to carry six months of dates, vehicles, telephone numbers, usernames, witnesses and conversations perfectly inside your head.
Write while the details are fresh.
Where to Get Help
SPARC offers free stalking documentation logs, a Stalking Victim Handbook, safety-planning materials and other resources. SPARC itself does not provide direct victim services, but directs Survivors to victim-service organizations.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Stalking Safety Planning
The U.S. Department of Justice also directs stalking victims seeking assistance to local law enforcement and victim services and lists VictimConnect at 855-4-VICTIM (855-484-2846) among national resources.
If there is immediate danger, call 911 when it is safe to do so.
The Receipt Nobody Should Have to Keep
Nobody should have to become the archivist of their own fear.
But when someone repeatedly intrudes into your life, documentation can take something frightening and scattered and give it chronology.
Tuesday wasn’t just Tuesday.
There was a call.
Friday wasn’t just Friday.
There was a car outside work.
Sunday there was a new account.
Monday there were flowers.
Wednesday he somehow knew where you had been.
Put the pieces beside each other and something that was difficult to explain may become much easier to see.
A stalking log doesn’t create the pattern.
It keeps the pattern from disappearing.