Table of Contents
updated from January 2026
There was a time when being outside was practically a second education.
I grew up in that generation. The one that makes young people watching Stranger Things ask, “Were kids really outside like that in the 80s?”
Yesssssss!
We didn’t have cell phones. We checked in from time to time, knew when we were supposed to be home, and spent hours around people whose personalities could change with the weather. One minute everybody was laughing, and the next minute somebody was ready to fight because they didn’t appreciate a joke.
And I mean fight. Not argue in a comment section. Actual fistfights. Even short little me got into fights with girls and boys. Sometimes a boy who didn’t like your tone, or didn’t appreciate everybody laughing at something you said, would turn a perfectly ordinary afternoon into something dangerous.
You learned to read a room. You learned when to speak, when to leave, and when somebody was getting ready to make their bruised ego everybody else’s problem.
It wasn’t all glorious. Some of it was frightening, and some of what we called normal should never have been normal. But it was real.
That’s part of why I have a different relationship with Pam, played by the wonderfully talented Tichina Arnold, on the classic sitcom Martin.
I understand why younger viewers sometimes cringe at the way Martin spoke to Pam. Those insults could be cruel, and plenty of them were rooted in familiar ways men ridicule women’s appearances. But I also remember the world those writers were drawing from.
We knew women like Pam. Some of us were women like Pam.
And when I watch her today, I see something worth teaching the next generation of women and girls. Not that every insult deserves a comeback or that every disagreement requires a fight. Quite the opposite.
Pam reminds us that a woman can be funny, loyal, intelligent, outspoken, and loving without making herself available for everybody’s disrespect.
Here are ten lessons I think deserve another look.
1. You Don’t Have to Be Everybody’s Sweetheart
Pam wasn’t trying to win a popularity contest. She had friends, a social life, a job, and a personality that existed independently of whether Martin approved of her.
That is something girls need to learn early.
Some people will like you. Some won’t. Others will enjoy your company right up until the moment you disagree with them.
You cannot build a whole life around trying to remain everybody’s favorite person.
Pam could enter a room knowing somebody might have something slick to say. She didn’t automatically treat that person’s opinion as the final word on who she was.
Lesson for girls: Being disliked does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.
2. A Man’s Insult Is Not an Objective Description of You
Martin frequently made jokes about Pam’s appearance. Some were ridiculous. Others relied on the familiar practice of trying to embarrass a woman by questioning her femininity or attractiveness.
And Pam gave it right back.
But there’s a bigger lesson here.
A man can say something insulting about a woman without revealing anything meaningful about her. Sometimes all he has revealed is that he wants to hurt her feelings.
We have become accustomed to treating insults about women’s bodies, faces, hair, weight, and perceived femininity as though they deserve serious consideration.
They don’t always deserve a response, much less an investigation.
Lesson for girls: Somebody calling you ugly does not make you ugly. Somebody questioning your womanhood does not make him an authority on women. Learn to recognize an insult without adopting it as information about yourself.
3. Being Funny Is a Talent, Not an Invitation to Be Humiliated
One of the things I appreciate most about Pam is that she was genuinely funny.
Tichina Arnold had the timing, expressions, delivery, and presence to stand opposite Martin Lawrence and make those exchanges memorable.
That takes talent.
Pam wasn’t simply standing there waiting to become the punchline. She was a major contributor to the comedy.
There is an important distinction between laughing with someone and making someone the permanent target of everybody else’s amusement.
Women and girls deserve to know the difference.
And sometimes the best response to a cruel joke isn’t a better joke. It’s deciding you don’t want to participate.
Lesson for girls: You can have a wonderful sense of humor without allowing people to turn your humiliation into entertainment.
4. You Can Be Loyal to Your Friends Without Agreeing With Everybody Around Them
Pam and Gina’s friendship was one of the best parts of Martin.
Tisha Campbell gave us Gina, and together these two actresses created a friendship that felt familiar to many women who grew up with close girlfriends.
Gina loved Martin. Pam did not have to pretend she loved everything about him.
That distinction is important.
Sometimes women feel pressured to accept every person their friend dates, marries, or brings into their circle. They are expected to overlook disrespect because someone else has chosen to tolerate it.
Pam and Martin’s relationship was complicated, often antagonistic, and frequently hilarious. Yet Pam’s friendship with Gina had a life of its own.
Lesson for girls: You can respect a friend’s choices without surrendering your own judgment about how someone treats you.
5. You Don’t Have to Become Quiet to Keep the Peace
Some of us grew up hearing that girls should be seen and not heard. Others were taught that a girl who spoke too boldly was being disrespectful.
Pam certainly wasn’t operating under those rules.
She had opinions. She expressed them. And she didn’t automatically retreat because a man raised his voice or attempted to embarrass her.
Now, there’s something I would add from the wisdom of experience.
Not every confrontation is safe. Some people become violent when they feel challenged, particularly when an audience is watching. I remember that from childhood, and I have seen the consequences throughout my work with Survivors.
So the lesson isn’t that girls must learn to outtalk or outfight everybody.
It’s that having a voice is a right, while deciding when and how to use it is a matter of judgment.
Sometimes speaking up is the right move. Sometimes leaving is the wiser one.
Lesson for girls: You do not owe anybody silence, and you do not owe anybody a confrontation. Your safety comes first.
Interesting fact: We have been watching Tichina Arnold since she was on Ryan’s Hope with some of our other GenX faves too. Look at Yasmine Bleeth and Grant Show. Yep, they had her using her incredible voice on that show too. Wouldn’t you?
Survivors like the comedic OG herself, Moms Mabley, showed us how it is done.
