10 Truths About Grooming: What It Is and What It Is Not

Grooming is a word we hear often, but too many people still misunderstand what it truly means. That misunderstanding can lead to silence, shame, and

Grooming is a word we hear often, but too many people still misunderstand what it truly means. That misunderstanding can lead to silence, shame, and even misplaced blame on survivors. It can also create confusion when people falsely equate grooming with simply having an age gap in a relationship.

So, let’s set the record straight. Grooming is not just about age—it is about power, manipulation, and exploitation.

Here are 10 truths about grooming that everyone should know.

1. Grooming is a deliberate process, not an accident.

Groomers don’t stumble into abusive relationships by mistake. They intentionally build trust, lower defenses, and create dependency before escalating their control. This is why survivors often don’t recognize what’s happening until they are deeply entangled.

2. Grooming happens to children AND vulnerable adults.

Children are the most common victims, but grooming can happen to anyone who is isolated, emotionally vulnerable, or unable to recognize manipulation. People with disabilities, trauma histories, financial hardships, or limited life experience are often targeted.

3. Grooming is about power imbalances, not just age.

A 30-year-old and a 20-year-old in a relationship might raise eyebrows, but that alone doesn’t mean grooming has occurred. Grooming happens when one person uses their position of power, experience, or resources to control or manipulate another person’s choices.

4. Grooming often begins long before the abuse.

Many Survivors describe feeling like they “willingly” entered the relationship. But that’s what makes grooming so insidious—it doesn’t start with abuse. It starts with flattery, support, special attention, and “kindness” that slowly erodes boundaries.

5. Grooming creates a false sense of loyalty.

Survivors often feel deeply attached to their groomers. That’s intentional. Groomers condition their victims to believe that they are the only ones who understand them, love them, or can protect them—even if they’re the ones causing harm.

6. Groomers target those who lack strong support systems.

Isolation makes people more vulnerable. Groomers often discourage contact with friends, family, or mentors—anyone who might notice red flags. They may create conflicts or introduce secrecy to make the victim more dependent on them.

7. Grooming doesn’t require threats—it thrives on trust.

Groomers don’t always use force or direct threats. Many survivors say, “I didn’t even know I was being abused because it felt like love at the time.” Groomers blur the lines between affection and control, making it hard for victims to recognize the harm.

8. Grooming is different from a healthy age-gap relationship.

An age gap alone does not mean grooming is happening. A relationship where both adults have equal power, autonomy, and the ability to make informed decisions is different from one where a person was groomed into compliance.

9. Grooming can leave survivors blaming themselves.

Survivors often think, “Why didn’t I see it sooner?” or “Did I let this happen?” That’s the power of grooming—it makes people believe they had agency when, in reality, their choices were manipulated from the start. If this is you, please know: You are not to blame for someone else’s deception.

10. Understanding grooming is the first step toward healing and protection.

Recognizing grooming—whether it happened to you or someone you love—is the first step in breaking its power. Healing takes time, but knowledge is powerful. Survivors deserve support, validation, and the right to reclaim their own voices.

If you’re struggling with what happened to you or someone you love, please know this: You are not alone, and you are not at fault. Grooming is about manipulation, not consent. Survivors deserve compassion, not judgment.

If you suspect grooming is happening to someone else, trust your instincts. Speak up, offer support, and help create a world where survivors are heard and protected.

Your story matters. Your healing matters. And you deserve to reclaim your power.