"If everything is grooming then nothing is grooming." Language is powerful. It shapes our understanding of the world, influences
“If everything is grooming then nothing is grooming.”
Language is powerful. It shapes our understanding of the world, influences laws, and determines how we respond to harm and injustice. That’s why we must be mindful of how we use words—especially words designed to protect children and vulnerable adults from predators.
Lately, there’s been a trend where people label relationships between an older woman and a younger adult man as “grooming.” Let’s be clear: this is a misapplication of the term, and it comes with consequences that harm actual Survivors of grooming.
What Grooming Really Means
Grooming is a deliberate process used by predators to manipulate and exploit children and vulnerable adults. It involves building trust, breaking down boundaries, and ultimately preparing the victim for abuse. It is insidious, calculated, and deeply harmful.
A key part of grooming is that the victim does not have the emotional, psychological, or legal capacity to consent. Children and vulnerable adults (such as those with disabilities or individuals in coercive environments) are not in a position to fully understand or resist this manipulation. That is why laws exist to protect them.
Older Woman-Younger Man Relationships Have Never Been Called Grooming
Throughout history, when an adult younger man has been involved with an older woman, society has not framed it as “grooming.” Instead, it’s been described as seduction, with terms like “cougar” used to emphasize the older woman’s supposed control or desirability.
This doesn’t mean we have to like or approve of these relationships. But disliking something is not the same as it being abusive. Not every relationship that makes us uncomfortable is harmful. And not every power imbalance is a form of victimization.
If we suddenly decide that any relationship where one partner is older automatically qualifies as “grooming,” we risk making the term meaningless. Worse, we take away attention from the actual victims—children and vulnerable adults—who desperately need us to take grooming seriously.
Why This Misuse is Harmful
1️⃣ It Dilutes the True Meaning of Grooming
- If “grooming” starts to mean any relationship with an age gap, we lose sight of its true, harmful definition. The word then loses its power, and real Survivors struggle to get the justice and recognition they deserve.
2️⃣ It Undermines Efforts to Protect Children and Vulnerable Adults
- If people start associating “grooming” with consensual adult relationships, they may take actual cases of grooming less seriously.
3️⃣ It Turns Personal Discomfort Into a Weapon
- Not liking a relationship is not the same as it being abusive. If we weaponize words like “grooming” because a relationship seems “off” to us, we make language about harm subjective and unreliable.
4️⃣ It Ignores How Society Views Male and Female Age Gaps Differently
- When older men date younger adult women, society has traditionally normalized this dynamic. Even when people criticize it, in time, the older male resumes dating the women of his choosing. In public. In contrast, older women dating younger adult men is often stigmatized. Labeling these relationships as “grooming” is an extension of that bias against women. People used to viewing older women as “less desirable” would prefer that these women stay in society’s assigned boxes. (Sexism+)
Be Precise with Your Words
We don’t have to like every relationship. But if we care about protecting Survivors, we must stop hijacking words that were created for their protection.
Grooming is a serious form of manipulation and abuse. It affects real people, especially children and vulnerable adults, and they need us to fight for their safety, not water down the language that protects them.
If we start using “grooming” to mean “relationships I personally find distasteful,” we do a disservice to those who have been truly victimized. Let’s not let personal biases make us unkind. Have the courage to stand in your truth.
Instead, let’s keep our focus on real predators, real harm, and real protection. That is where our energy—and our words—should be.
10 Common Myths About Grooming (and the Truth Survivors Need to Know)
