Red Flags for Women: Silent Signals of Control in Relationships

Relationships can be beautiful!

Good ones are filled with joy, love, introspection, and liberation.

But, they can also be confining, alienating, hate-filled, and dangerous.

 Among the challenges of connecting with healthy relationship partners is identifying red flags —particularly those who, beneath their charm, hold the belief that women need to be controlled, educated, or kept from thinking “too highly” of themselves. 

These silent signals can often be subtle but are crucial to recognize early in a relationship to protect your peace and autonomy.

The Silent Signals of Control

In the beginning…..

Some men may present themselves as supportive, but their actions and words betray a deeper belief that women need to be shaped, controlled, or humbled. These men often send silent signals that they view themselves as the arbiter of what women should be:

1. Overly Critical of Your Ambitions🚩 
   • They downplay or dismiss your goals as unrealistic or unnecessary.
   • They may frame their criticism as concern, saying things like, “You don’t need all that,” or “Why not focus on something simpler?”
2. Constantly Offering Unsolicited Advice🚩
   • Even on topics you are well-versed in, they feel the need to “educate” you, positioning themselves as an authority.
   • This often comes across as patronizing, as though your knowledge or experience is inherently inadequate.
3. Subtle Dismissals of Your Independence🚩
   • They may criticize you for being “too independent,” implying that this quality makes you less feminine or desirable.
   • Statements like, “I don’t know why women think they can do everything on their own,” or “Sometimes you need to let a man lead,” are common.
4. Jealousy Masquerading as Concern🚩
   • They’re uncomfortable with your friendships or professional relationships, especially with other men.
   • This behavior often escalates into attempts to isolate you, masked as “protecting” you from harm or bad influences.
5. Undermining Your Confidence🚩
   • They make subtle comments that chip away at your self-esteem, such as questioning your intelligence or abilities.
   • Phrases like, “You’re smart, but you still have a lot to learn,” or “Not everyone will understand you the way I do,” are red flags.

When Other Women Reinforce These Beliefs

One of the more insidious aspects of these dynamics is how other women sometimes reinforce them. In some cases, these women have internalized similar beliefs about the role of men and women in relationships. They may say things like:

• “ He’s just trying to help you. Let him lead.”
• “Men like women who are softer. Maybe you’re coming off too strong.”
• “Don’t intimidate him. You don’t want to scare him away.”

While these comments may come from a place of care or tradition, they perpetuate harmful dynamics that undermine your autonomy and confidence.

Humanizing the Experience

It’s easy to paint these dynamics in black and white, but the reality is often more complex. Many women have found themselves in relationships where these red flags were easy to ignore……… at first.

For instance, imagine you meet a man who’s attentive, charming, and supportive—but over time, his support feels conditional. He celebrates your successes in public but critiques them in private. He frames his opinions as “helpful guidance” but bristles when you push back. 

These behaviors often leave you questioning yourself: Am I being too sensitive? Am I reading into things too much?

The answer is no. When you find yourself consistently questioning whether someone respects your autonomy, it’s a sign to step back and reassess.

I once read this somewhere: The minute you start googling a person’s behavior take your concerns seriously. 

Why This Matters for Black Women

As Black women, we are often told to shrink ourselves—to take up less space, to silence our voices, to downplay our brilliance. Society already imposes enough barriers without inviting a partner into your life who seeks to do the same.

A healthy relationship should feel expansive, 

not restrictive. 

A healthy relationship should feel expansive, 

not restrictive.  Your partner should celebrate your independence, encourage your growth, and walk alongside you as an equal. Anything less is a disservice to your worth.

How to Protect Your Peace☮

1. Trust Your Intuition: If something feels off, honor that feeling. It’s better to investigate a concern early than to dismiss it and regret it later.
2. Set Boundaries Early: Be clear about what you will and will not tolerate. A respectful partner will honor your boundaries.
3. Pay Attention to Patterns: One offhand comment might not mean much, but a pattern of dismissive or controlling behavior is a red flag.
4. Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist if you’re unsure about a relationship. Outside perspectives can provide clarity.
5. Prioritize Your Well-Being: Remember that your happiness and peace of mind should never come second to someone else’s comfort.

 

The Truth⛅

You deserve a partner who sees your independence, your vibe,  your voice, and intelligence as assets, not threats. Someone who encourages you to stand tall rather than shrink to fit their expectations. 

Recognizing these red flags early can save you from relationships that drain your energy and dim your light.

Above all, remember this: 

You are enough, just as you are. 

Never let anyone convince you otherwise.

Spotting the Red Flags: Early Warning Signs of Manipulative and Abusive People (audio/podcast)

6 Common Behaviors of Female Enablers of Abusive Males (infographic)

Female Bullying: Yet Another Obstacle to Women’s Rights and Freedoms

Reclaiming Your Power: Recognizing & Addressing the Loss of Personal Autonomy

Myth: “If Women Just Spoke Up Sooner, They Could Have Stopped the Abuse”

Myth: “Women Are Safe as Long as There Are Good Men Around”