A great deal of traditional courtship came with restrictions on women that deserve criticism. But it also came with an understood language of courtshi
A great deal of traditional courtship came with restrictions on women that deserve criticism. But it also came with an understood language of courtship: I am asking for your consideration, so I should bring something pleasant to the encounter. Plan the evening. Dress like you cared. Arrive when you said you would. Arrange transportation or make sure she gets home safely. Pay for the outing under the conventions of that time. Bring flowers. Make conversation. Show some initiative. Demonstrate that spending an evening with you might actually be enjoyable.
Photo by Cal Manenga Bufuku
A man was not thereby entitled to the woman. Quite the opposite. Courtship itself acknowledged that she had a decision to make.
Some people want to discard those older expectations as outdated while preserving, or even intensifying, the expectation that women should make themselves available for consideration.
Somehow the flowers became outdated, the planning became outdated, dressing for the occasion became outdated, picking her up became outdated, and courting her became outdated. But ‘Give him a chance’ survived every modernization.
Well, what exactly is she being invited to consider?
There is a strange emptiness in an argument that says, essentially, You should be willing to date me, while promising her nothing about what dating you will actually be like.
Not: I’d love to take you somewhere beautiful.
Not: I planned something I thought you’d enjoy.
Not: I’ll make an effort.
Not: I want you to feel safe with me.
Not even: Here is what I believe I could add to your life.
‘Give him a chance’ has carried an astonishing amount of freight through women’s lives. A chance at what? Women are allowed to ask. And expect a good answer.
Wanting a woman to reconsider her standards is not the same thing as meeting them
Instead, the entire sales pitch can become an indictment of the customer for declining to enter the store.
The old customs are declared obsolete when they impose expectations upon the pursuer. Yet suddenly we hear very firm expectations when discussing what the person being pursued should be willing to entertain.
Because if we’re throwing out the old script, then throw it out. Women gain even greater freedom to construct their intimate lives according to their own desires. Nobody gets to discard “I should court you” while quietly retaining “you should give me a chance.”
So now we have the disappearance of persuasion and the rise of accusation.
Persuasion says, I’d like you to choose me. Let me show you why spending time with me could be wonderful.
Entitlement says, Your unwillingness to choose me says something is wrong with you.
A woman is not required to provide the opportunity upon which someone else hopes to prove himself. She can look at what is presently being offered, decide it holds no appeal for her, and keep walking. A woman declining your invitation has not broken a social contract. She has demonstrated that no such contract existed.
If the entire offer is that she should be more open to the offer, there may not actually be an offer.
If you want the freedom from yesterday’s obligations, you don’t inherit yesterday’s expectations of women. You cannot modernize your responsibilities and traditionalize hers.
I am not required to audition someone for a position in my life simply because he wants the opportunity. “Give him a chance” is a request, not a duty. I am allowed to know that I am uninterested before the first date ever happens.
15 Signs Someone Is Manipulating You Through Confusion – WE Survive Abuse