Sometimes a woman says, “I can do whatever I want.” And technically, she can. There may be no locked door, no written rule, no direct command telling
Sometimes a woman says, “I can do whatever I want.” And technically, she can. There may be no locked door, no written rule, no direct command telling her what she cannot do. But freedom is not only about whether you are allowed to make a choice. It is also about what you expect will happen after you make it.
That is why one useful question in a relationship is not simply, “Can I make my own decisions?” Ask yourself, “How much of my decision-making is actually about managing his reaction? Managing his feelings? Trying to manage storms.”
Photo by IRIS AVI
You may be managing reactions if you regularly think about his mood before making ordinary choices. You want to see a friend, buy something with your own money, wear something you like, spend time alone, disagree with him or simply say no, but before deciding, you begin calculating. How upset will he get? Will he sulk? Will I hear about this for three days? Will he accuse me of something? Will he embarrass me? Will I have to spend the rest of the night explaining myself?
After a while, you may start choosing the path that produces the least trouble.
That can become so ordinary that it stops feeling like a decision. You don’t visit the friend because “it’s easier.” You don’t bring up the issue because “now isn’t a good time.” You change the outfit because you “don’t feel like arguing.” You answer the phone immediately because you know what will happen if you don’t. You agree because you are already tired from imagining the consequences of disagreeing. You tell yourself that these are choices that YOU are making.
Pay attention to how much preparation ordinary choices require. Are you rehearsing harmless conversations? Editing details from stories that shouldn’t be dangerous to tell? Checking his mood before asking a simple question? Waiting for the “right moment” to express a basic need? Feeling relief when he approves of something that should never have required permission?
None of this means every disagreement is abuse. Healthy relationships contain disappointment, irritation and differences of opinion. Nobody gets everything they want. The difference is that disagreement should not become a system for training one person to surrender her freedom.
A useful comparison is to remember how you make decisions when you feel genuinely safe. You can think. You can take your time. You can change your mind. You can hear another person’s opinion without automatically abandoning your own. Most importantly, you do not have to organize ordinary parts of your life around preventing another adult’s retaliation.
If you have been managing reactions for a long time, don’t shame yourself for noticing it late. Adapting can be one way people get through difficult situations. Recognition simply gives you new information.
Start listening for the little calculations.
Sometimes the clearest sign that your choices are becoming smaller is not someone saying, “You aren’t allowed.” It is realizing how often you have begun telling yourself, “It just isn’t worth what will happen afterward.”
You deserve enough safety to discover what you actually choose when fear of somebody else’s reaction is no longer making the decision with you.
Affirmed: Protect Your Power and Disengage From People Who Plant Self-Doubt – WE Survive Abuse