And once it becomes ‘common sense,’ people stop investigating it. That is how deception survives.” ~ Malcolm X

Malcolm X taught us that truth is part of the infrastructure of safety.

A lie doesn’t survive because it’s believable.
It survives because it’s repeated, protected, and made convenient.

And once it settles in, it starts doing something dangerous.
It starts reordering what people think matters.

Children’s safety no longer matters.

Women’s safety no longer matters.

Safety no longer matters.

Harm gets reframed as “misunderstanding”

Violence gets softened into “conflict”

Boundaries get labeled as “overreaction”

Truth gets buried under debates that never needed to exist.

The people who see it get labeled as “hateful”.

Here is what the people telling the lies know:

A lie repeated enough doesn’t just survive.
It becomes the environment.

So the work becomes very clear, even when people make it hell:

• name harm plainly
• refuse softened language that protects it
• keep the focus on safety, not comfort
• repeat truth just as consistently as lies have been repeated

Because truth also survives through repetition.

And when truth is repeated with clarity and courage, it does something lies can’t do.

It restores order.

It puts the focus back where it belongs:

Protection.
Dignity.
Safety.

Shared by @zoomafrika1

The post Malcolm X Wisdom: When Lies Become the Environment, Safety Disappears appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

There was a time I didn’t fully understand this.

I knew violence was wrong.
I knew it caused harm.
But I did not yet understand how often that harm was minimized, explained away, or treated like something a woman should simply “get past.”

Then I sat with women.

I listened.
I watched what happened after the moment everyone else moved on.

And I learned something that does not leave you once you see it:

Women are living with injuries people keep calling “minor.”
Women are carrying damage that was never taken seriously enough to treat properly.
Women are trying to function through pain that was dismissed at the very moment it mattered most.

Some are not the same again.

Some are navigating memory loss, chronic pain, vision changes, difficulty speaking or eating—while being told nothing serious happened.

Some were sent home without answers.
Some were told they were overreacting.
Some never received care that matched what their bodies had endured.

And some did not survive.

That is the part people avoid.

We have built entire systems that can innovate, fund, and rapidly respond when certain male bodies are affected.
But when it comes to violence against women—especially injuries that do not present neatly or dramatically—there is still hesitation, dismissal, and delay.

Not a lack of intelligence.
Not a lack of capability.

A lack of urgency.

This post is not written from theory.
It is written from witness.

Because what is minimized in a moment
does not disappear.

It lives on in women’s bodies.

1. Head injuries are often dismissed as “minor” — but they are not.
A single blow can cause traumatic brain injury (TBI), even without loss of consciousness. Many women are sent home without proper evaluation.

2. Repeated blows increase the risk of long-term brain damage.
Memory loss. Difficulty concentrating. Personality changes.
These are not “mood issues.” They are neurological injuries.

3. Vision damage can happen instantly and permanently.
The eye socket is fragile.
Women have lost vision from one strike and were later told it was “unlikely.”

4. Jaw fractures change daily life in ways people don’t see.
Eating becomes painful. Speaking becomes difficult.
Healing can take months — and sometimes never fully resolves.

5. Neck injuries can affect the entire body.
The neck carries signals between brain and body.
Damage here can lead to chronic pain, dizziness, and loss of coordination.

6. Internal injuries are frequently missed in early exams.
Swelling, bleeding, and organ damage may not show immediately.
Women are often told they are “fine” before symptoms fully appear.

7. Chronic pain is a common long-term outcome.
Years later, many women still live with migraines, nerve pain, and physical limitations.
This is not temporary harm. It reshapes daily life.

8. Medical professionals sometimes minimize women’s reports of pain.
Women are statistically less likely to have their pain taken seriously.
Black women, in particular, face higher levels of dismissal and disbelief.

9. Psychological effects are directly tied to physical injury.
Brain trauma can affect emotional regulation.
What gets labeled “anxiety” or “overreacting” may be injury-related.

10. Family and community responses can deepen the harm.
When women are not believed or are told to “move on,”
they are left to manage both injury and isolation.

11. Delayed care leads to worse outcomes.
The longer injuries go untreated or undertreated,
the more likely they become permanent.

12. One act of violence can create a lifetime of consequences.
This is not about a single moment.
It is about years of impact — on the body, the mind, and the course of a woman’s life.

Professional Responsibility

• Take all reports of injury seriously

• Document thoroughly and accurately

• Avoid assumptions based on presentation or demeanor

• Recognize patterns of cumulative harm

• Understand that absence of visible injury does not equal absence of harm

Minimization is not neutrality.
It is a decision with consequences.

WeSurviveAbuse.com | Professional education grounded in lived reality
Supporting informed, responsible, and responsive care

The post Not Minor, Not Temporary: The Lasting Impact of Male Violence on Women’s Bodies appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

When We Make Porn the Only Answer, We Miss the Real Danger

Definition of Consent word with a meaning on a book.

There is a growing conversation that centers pornography as “the cause of violence against women.”

It sounds simple.
It sounds actionable.
It even sounds like protection.

But it is incomplete.

And when something this serious is reduced to one cause, it quietly leaves women and girls exposed to the very forces that drive harm.

What Real Cases Show Us About “Fixing the Surface”
We have already seen what happens when warning signs are treated as something small… something manageable… something that will pass.

In one widely known case, a teenage boy created disturbing drawings—images of violence, pain, and a clear internal crisis.
School officials alerted his parents. They saw the drawings.

But instead of immediate, deep intervention, the response stayed at the surface.

That same day, the situation escalated into irreversible violence.

In another case, there were warnings—clear ones. Concerns had already been raised about a young boy’s behavior and mindset. Authorities had even been alerted.

Still, the deeper issue was not addressed with the urgency it required.

Access remained. Intervention did not deepen.

And again, the violence escalated.

What These Cases Teach Us
These cases are not about pornography.

But they reveal something we cannot afford to ignore:

Removing the visible sign of a problem is not the same as addressing the problem itself.

The drawings were not the cause.
The access was not the cause.

They were signals.

And when signals are treated like the issue itself, the real danger continues to grow—quietly, privately, and often more intensely.

Lifting your name, Sudan

Porn Is Not the Beginning of This Story
Violence against women did not begin with the internet. Or dvds. Or magazines.

Long before any modern media:

• Women and girls are assaulted during war and treated as spoils
• Enslaved women and girls are violated with no legal protection
• Girls are  forced into marriages and expected to endure
• Survivors are blamed or ignored when they spoke
• The largest crowd. The silent folks and the enablers 

The violence was already here.

Porn did not create it. It is a wicked and evil tool that excacerbates the problem. Still, without it…..we STILL have problems with violence and abuse.

What We Risk When We Oversimplify
When we place all responsibility on porn, we unintentionally:

• ignore entitlement and control as core drivers
• overlook how boys are taught to override boundaries (girls are conditioned to support this. Leaders do it and we don’t blink)
• miss the role of power, status, and dominance
• fail to confront systems that protect abusers and question victims

And most dangerously:

We begin to believe that removing content will remove harm. 

Violence Is About Power—Not Just Exposure
If porn disappeared tomorrow, we would still be left with:

• beliefs that access to women’s bodies can be taken
• environments where “no” is negotiated instead of respected
• systems that silence women and protect harm
• communities that dismiss early warning signs

Because violence is not just something people see.

It is something people are taught, reinforced, and allowed to carry out.

We Cannot Afford Surface-Level Solutions
Taking something away—whether it is a device, an image, or access—can feel like action.

But the cases remind us:

It is not enough.

We must ask:

• What beliefs are forming underneath this behavior?
• What has already been ignored or dismissed?
• What needs intervention right now—not later?

Because when we stop at the surface, harm does not disappear.

It evolves.

What Real Prevention Requires
If we are serious about protecting women and girls, we have to go deeper.

• Teach, early and consistently, that “no” is final
• Take disturbing behavior seriously the first time it appears
• Refuse to minimize patterns that signal harm
• Early and consistent education around deepfakes, digital safety, and  online predators
• Prioritizing addressing deep fakes, digital safety, online predators, violation of children in images through law
• Prioritizing affordable and free mental health (practitioners with integrity and expertise)
• Address entitlement, not just exposure

When we treat symptoms as causes, harm finds new ways to grow.
When we face the root, we begin to change what is possible.

*This post is in no way advocating for any of us to ease up on fighting against non-consensual images, deepfakes, digital safety, or online predators. 

The post Why Blaming Porn Alone Won’t End Violence Against Women appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

Consensual sex and sexual violence are not the same.

They are not close.
They are not interchangeable.
They do not belong in the same sentence without care, context, and understanding.

Sexual violence is not casual knowledge.
It requires study.
It requires experience.
It requires deep, careful listening to Survivors and those who have spent years doing this work.

And yet, headlines told a very different story.

“Girl, 15, had sex with 25 boys in high school bathroom”
“Parents stunned after girl has sex with as many as 2 dozen boys”
“15-year-old girl caught having sex with 25 ‘willing’ boys”

Chile… now how you sound?

That question carries weight.

It comes from elders who don’t play about truth.
Translation::
You are out of order.
You are loud and wrong.
You are speaking without alignment, without care, without understanding.

And that is exactly what happened here.

What We Know — And What Should Have Been Obvious

1. The blame was placed on a child.

Every headline centered the girl, but in a negative light that she did not deserve.

Her behavior.
Her body.
Her choices.

Meanwhile, 25 boys were present.

But somehow, the weight of shame landed on her alone.

That is not reporting.
That is conditioning.

It teaches the public exactly who to blame—and who to excuse.

2. The facts were not settled.

Writers moved fast.

Too fast.

There was no way to confirm that every interaction was consensual at the time those headlines were published. Investigations involving minors, especially that many minors, take time.

Yes, people speak during crisis.

And we should listen.

But real understanding often comes later—

The girl did not have sexual contact with 25 boys.
Many were spectators.

That alone should have stopped the presses.

3. Experts were missing where they were needed most.

This is where the harm deepens.

Sexual violence is not a guessing game.
It is not something you “figure out” mid-article.

Where were the experts?

Where were the professionals trained to recognize coercion, group dynamics, exploitation, and trafficking indicators?

Because what looked like a “story”…

…was actually a crisis.

What Was Missed Entirely

The girl was a victim of human trafficking.

Let that sit.

While headlines were being written
while clicks were being gathered
while narratives were being shaped

A trafficked child was being framed as a participant.

Not a victim.
Not someone in danger.
Not someone in need of protection.

She did not need help….right? Unworthy?

A participant.

That is not just inaccurate. That is harmful. That is inhumane.

And Now She Has to Live With That Story

A girl. A person. A human being. She still has to walk into school.

People still remember.

Not her truth—
but the version of her that was broadcast.

No name was printed.
But reputations don’t need names when communities can fill in the blanks.

We Have Seen This Before

We have already watched what happens when media gets sexual violence wrong.

The Rolling Stone UVA article controversy should have taught every newsroom a lesson:

Slow down.
Verify.
Consult experts.
Protect the vulnerable.

And yet…Here we are again.

What Needs to Change

(I could use soft words here like “avoid” but y’all haven’t heard us yet. So how about “stop”? Just stop.

Photo by Jose Aragones/Unsplash

• Stop defaulting to narratives that blame girls.

• Stop reporting before facts are verified.

• Stop treating sexual violence like common knowledge.

• Start consulting real experts—every time.

• Start recognizing signs of exploitation, not sensationalizing them.

Because this is bigger than one story.

This is about how society understands harm.

Final Truth

Just because adults are capable of sex
does not mean they understand sexual violence.

And when you don’t understand it—

you mislabel it
you mishandle it
and you harm the very people who need protection the most.

If a headline makes a child look like the problem…
pause.

And ask yourself, like the elders would:

When you accuse a child of assault, how do you come across to yourself?

Nothing that we are learning in “files” today should surprise us. We have been treating children this way for too long now.

Blues singer Lead Belly put a warning in a song about this very thing. People mock it and laugh about it now. Does that mean we are getting worse or better?

We must challenge ourselves whenever we catch a glimpse of ourselves, as we are the ones accusing child victims of violence and abuse of being the driving force behind their own destruction. They aren’t usually moving that fast, so it is us who must slow down and look more closely. 

The post There is a Difference Between: “I Want This and I Do Not Want This” appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

A feeling in the stomach.
A tightening in the chest.
A quiet inner voice saying: something is not right.

Yet almost immediately, another voice arrives.

Maybe you’re overreacting.
Maybe you misunderstood.
Maybe you’re being unfair.

Over time, many women learn a difficult lesson:
The world often trusts politeness, reputation, and appearances more than it trusts a woman’s instincts.

Recall what Bernie Mac said. May he rest in peace.

This pattern shows up in homes, workplaces, schools, faith communities, and public spaces. And when it repeats often enough, it can cause women to question their own judgment.

Here are ten ways society subtly trains women to doubt what their instincts already know.

1. Teaching Girls to Be Polite Before Being Safe
Many girls grow up hearing messages like:

• “Be nice.”
• “Don’t make a scene.”
• “Don’t hurt someone’s feelings.”

Kindness is valuable. But when politeness is prioritized above safety, girls may feel pressure to tolerate discomfort rather than respond to it.

Instinct says: step away.
Training says: stay and be polite.

2. Treating Discomfort as Rudeness
When a woman declines attention or pulls away from someone who makes her uneasy, she may quickly be labeled:

• “cold”
• “difficult”
• “dramatic”

Over time, this can teach women that protecting themselves may come with social punishment.

So many learn to doubt their discomfort instead of honoring it.

3. Rewarding People Who Ignore Boundaries
A person who persists after hearing “no” is sometimes praised for being:

• determined
• confident
• romantic
• persuasive

But persistence against someone’s clear boundary is often a test of that boundary.

When society celebrates this behavior, it quietly undermines a woman’s right to trust her own limits.

4. Grooming Through Familiarity
Many people still imagine danger as coming from strangers.

Yet harm often comes from people who have:

• built familiarity
• gained trust
• positioned themselves as helpful or respected

When women express concern about someone who appears kind or admired, they may hear:

“But he’s such a nice person.” 

This response can make women question their own instincts—even when those instincts are accurate.

5. Protecting Reputation Over Safety
Institutions sometimes prioritize stability, image, or authority.

When concerns are raised, the response may focus on:

• protecting the organization
• avoiding conflict
• maintaining appearances

Instead of asking “What happened?”, attention may shift toward “How will this affect our reputation?”

Women quickly learn that speaking up may bring scrutiny rather than protection.

6. Framing Survival Responses as Character Flaws
When women respond to harm with anger, distance, or strong boundaries, those responses are sometimes criticized.

They may hear words like:

• “bitter”
• “overly sensitive”
• “unable to move on”

Yet many of these reactions are normal survival responses.

Labeling them as character flaws teaches women to distrust their own protective instincts.

7. Questioning Women More Than the Harm
When a woman reports harm, the questions often turn toward her actions:

• Why were you there?
• Why didn’t you leave sooner?
• Why didn’t you say something earlier?

This pattern sends a quiet message:
Your decisions will be examined more closely than the person who harmed you.

Over time, women may learn that trusting their instincts does not guarantee they will be believed.

8. Encouraging Women to “Give the Benefit of the Doubt”
Women are frequently encouraged to assume the best intentions in others.

Compassion is important. But when women are expected to constantly reinterpret troubling behavior in the most generous light, their instincts may be pushed aside.

Sometimes instinct says:

You do not have enough information yet—but something deserves caution.

That voice deserves space.

9. Silencing Survivors Through Social Pressure
Many women who speak openly about harm experience pushback such as:

• “You’re ruining lives.”
• “This should stay private.”
• “You’re causing division.”

When communities pressure women to remain silent for the sake of peace, they reinforce the idea that protecting comfort is more important than acknowledging truth.

Silence can become the price of belonging.

10. Treating Instinct as Emotion Instead of Intelligence
Instinct is often dismissed as irrational or overly emotional.

But instinct is not random.

It is the result of:

• pattern recognition
• lived experience
• observation

subtle signals the brain processes quickly

Many women notice shifts in tone, posture, or behavior long before a situation becomes obvious.

Instinct is not weakness.
It is information.

Reclaiming the Wisdom of Instinct
Across cultures and generations, women have carried deep knowledge about safety, dignity, and boundaries.

Some women learned to trust those instincts early.
Others were taught to silence them.

But instincts do not disappear.
They remain—waiting to be heard again.

When women begin to listen to that quiet inner voice, something powerful happens.

Clarity returns.
Boundaries strengthen.
Safety becomes easier to recognize.

And perhaps most importantly:

The wisdom women carry within themselves begins to lead the way again.

A Thought to Carry Forward
“Your instincts were not placed within you by accident.
They are part of your protection.”

— We Survive Abuse / Tonya GJ Prince

The post 10 Ways Society Trains Women to Doubt Their Own Safety Instincts appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

“You know good and well that a boundary never did a damn thing to you.

But a male has every potential to AND be excused for doing it.

Because he is a male.

Tale as old as time.”

Tonya GJ Prince

We are living through a time when children—especially girls—are being taught something deeply dangerous:

That having boundaries is “hate.”

That discomfort is “hate.”

That asking questions is “hate.”

And that girls should silence their instincts in order to prove they are “good” or “inclusive.”

That lesson is not kindness.
It is conditioning.

And it puts girls at risk.

Girls Are Being Told to Override Their Own Safety Instincts

Across schools, online spaces, and public conversations, many girls are receiving the same message:

If you feel uncomfortable, you are the problem.

If you question a situation that involves privacy, nudity, or personal space, you are hateful.

If you want to understand what is happening so you can assess your safety, you are intolerant.

In other words:

No questions allowed.
Just be quiet and deal with it.

For any child—especially a girl learning to navigate the world—this is an extremely dangerous lesson.

Safety begins with awareness.
Awareness begins with questions.

Discomfort Is Not Hate

Even in traditional spaces like locker rooms, many girls and women have never felt fully comfortable being partially or fully nude around others.

That reality has always existed.

Some women are modest.
Some have experienced past violations.
Some simply prefer privacy.

None of that is hatred.

The expectation that women and girls must feel comfortable being partially nude, fully nude, or emotionally exposed in front of another person—no questions asked— is not compassion.

It is coercion.

When someone demands your comfort without your consent, that is not inclusion.

That is pressure.

And pressure around bodies and boundaries has always been a warning sign.

This Pattern Is Not New

History is full of moments where girls were told:

• Don’t question authority

• Don’t make others uncomfortable

• Don’t create conflict

• Don’t embarrass anyone

In other words: don’t defend yourself.

Millions upon millions of women carry memories of what happened when their discomfort was ignored, dismissed, or mocked.

That is why teaching girls to trust their instincts matters so deeply.

Preparing Girls for Reality

When I posted about this topic online, another woman raised an important point:

There has always been resistance when girls begin to set boundaries.

Girls who say “no” are often labeled difficult.

Girls who ask questions are labeled rude.

Girls who protect themselves are labeled hateful.

This pattern has existed for generations.

Which means our responsibility is clear.

We must prepare girls for it.

What Girls Need to Know

Girls deserve to grow up knowing:

• Their safety instincts are valuable.

• Discomfort is information, not wrongdoing.

• Questions are part of protecting themselves.

• Boundaries are healthy.

• Their bodies belong to them.

Most importantly:

They must know that safe adults will stand with them when they say no.

Real Diversity Does Not Erase Boundaries

Authentic diversity does not require people to abandon their values, beliefs, or sense of safety.

Real diversity brings people with different beliefs and experiences into shared spaces with respect.

Harmony does not mean takeover.

And inclusion does not mean that girls must surrender their privacy, dignity, or bodily autonomy.

Women and girls are entitled to boundaries wherever they live their lives:

• In schools

• In locker rooms

• In doctor’s offices

• In workplaces

• In their homes

• In their communities

Health and safety are not negotiable privileges.

They are basic human rights.

A Difficult Truth

Some of the strongest enforcers of diminished boundaries for women and girls are sometimes other women.

That reality is painful.

But it is also understandable.

Many people have been taught for years that silence is kindness and that compliance is virtue.

Some have been conditioned so effectively that they now believe defending girls’ boundaries is wrong.

Even so, the responsibility remains the same.

Protect girls anyway.

Teach them anyway.

Stand with them anyway.

Because every generation of girls deserves to grow up knowing something simple and powerful:

Their safety matters.
Their dignity matters.
And their “no” is enough.

Am I Selfish for Setting Boundaries? (audio) | WE Survive Abuse

Sex-Based Bill of Rights for Women and Girls (FREE download) | WE Survive Abuse

18 Signs You May Not Be as Pro-Woman as You Believe You Are | WE Survive Abuse

How Male Violence Taught Women & Girls to Attack One Another (audio) | WE Survive Abuse

The post When Girls’ Boundaries Are Rebranded as “Hate” (featuring Boundary Setting video from Dr. Tracey Marks) appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

When a crisis emerges somewhere in the world, voices appear demanding that Black women:

• organize
• educate
• protest
• comfort
• mobilize

The tone is often urgent. Sometimes aggressive. Occasionally, laced with insults or accusations.

As if Black women caused the problem.
As if we built the systems being criticized.
As if we enslaved nations, colonized continents, or declared wars across the globe.

History tells a very different story.

Black women have spent generations trying to help societies move away from violence, injustice, and exploitation. Many have risked their lives doing so.

Yet even while that history exists, a strange contradiction continues.

Our labor is demanded, but our leadership is questioned.

We are invited into the work, but not always into the decision-making.

We are kept in the field, but rarely welcomed at the strategy table.

And while the world demands more labor, there are issues Black women have been raising for decades that remain quietly ignored.

Here are ten of them.

1. Violence Against Black Women
Black women have been sounding the alarm about violence in their communities for generations.

Not only violence from strangers.

But violence in homes, workplaces, and institutions.

The cover-up narrative is, “No one wants Black women, but that has ALWAYS been a lie used as a speed bump to stall searches, investigations, and finding the true culprits.”

Too often, these warnings were minimized, dismissed, or treated as private matters (ownership, our children, our servant) rather than public safety concerns.

2. The Disappearance of Black Women and Girls
For years families have searched for missing daughters, sisters, and mothers with little media attention.

Black women were speaking about this issue long before national campaigns finally began acknowledging it.

Even now, many cases receive limited coverage.

3. The Adultification of Black Girls
Black girls are often treated as older than they are.

They are expected to be tougher, more mature, and less innocent than other children.

This leads to harsher punishment in schools and less protection when harm occurs.

Black women have been pointing out this pattern for decades.

4. Medical Dismissal and Maternal Health
Black women frequently report that their pain is not taken seriously by medical professionals.

This reality has contributed to higher maternal mortality rates and delayed diagnoses.

Black women have been raising these concerns long before recent headlines acknowledged the crisis.

5. Economic Exploitation
Black women work at some of the highest rates of any demographic group in the United States.

Many support extended families while navigating wage gaps and limited access to capital.

Their labor sustains communities, yet their economic needs often receive less policy attention.

6. The Emotional Labor Expected of Black Women
Across workplaces, families, and movements, Black women are often expected to stabilize environments during crisis.

They are asked to mediate conflicts, mentor others, and repair damage.

Yet the emotional toll of that constant responsibility is rarely acknowledged.

7. The Silencing of Black Women Who Tell the Truth
When Black women speak directly about injustice, they often encounter labels meant to silence them.

Words like:

“angry”
“difficult”
“divisive”

Even, “hateful” and “bigoted” if you dare to speak truth.

These labels distract from the issues being raised and discourage others from listening.

8. The Myth of Endless Strength
Strength is frequently praised in Black women.

But that praise sometimes becomes an excuse to overlook their needs.

People celebrate resilience while ignoring exhaustion, grief, and vulnerability.

Strength without care becomes another form of burden.

9. The Expectation That Black Women Will Save Everyone
There is a strange assumption in many conversations that Black women must respond to every global crisis.

The expectation appears quickly:

Speak up.
Organize.
Educate others.
Fix this problem too.

But Black women did not design the systems responsible for many of these problems.

Yet they are repeatedly asked to clean them up.

And they still would not have voted for Harriet Tubman

10. The Refusal to Recognize Black Women’s Leadership
Perhaps the most frustrating reality is this:

Black women have offered solutions for generations.

They have written, organized, taught, and led movements that expanded democracy and human dignity.

Yet excuses continue to appear whenever leadership roles are discussed.

Black women are welcomed as workers.

But too often denied the authority to guide the direction of the work.

And they still would not have voted for Ida B. Wells

A Truth That Needs to Be Said
Black women have spent generations trying to move societies toward justice.

Calling for:

• safer communities
• stronger families
• dignity for workers
• protection for children
• accountability for violence

Those are not small contributions.

Those are foundations for healthy societies.

And yet the pattern remains:

Demand the labor.
Question the leadership.

That contradiction deserves to be examined honestly.

A Different Question
Perhaps the conversation should begin somewhere else.

Instead of asking Black women to carry more responsibility for problems around the world, people might begin by asking:

What are Black women saying about the conditions where they live?

What concerns have they been raising for decades?

What wisdom has already been offered?

Because communities grow stronger when they listen to those who have been warning them the longest.

The post Hello: 10 Issues Black Women Have Been Sounding the Alarm About for Decades appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

Photo by Land O’Lakes, Inc.

People encourage us to:

• speak more about this issue
• speak less about that one
• sacrifice more
• organize more
• give more labor
• show more patience
• carry more responsibility
• vote against our own interests 

The requests travel across oceans.

Black women are often asked to care about problems everywhere, to educate everyone, to mobilize quickly, and to keep showing up no matter how tired we may be.

But a quieter question rarely appears in these conversations.

What would it look like to support Black women where they actually live?

Not in theory.
Not in hashtags.
Not in speeches.

Right where they are.

Start With Listening
Real support begins with listening.

Not listening in order to correct.

Not listening in order to redirect the conversation.

Simply listening to understand the daily realities Black women navigate in their own neighborhoods, workplaces, families, and communities.

Sometimes the most meaningful support looks like this:

• believing women when they describe what they are facing
• taking concerns seriously without dismissing them
• allowing space for honest conversation without punishment

Listening may seem small, but it is the first step to restoring dignity.

Respect the Boundaries Black Women Set

Black women are often asked to solve problems that did not begin with them.

At times, when boundaries are set, those boundaries are criticized.

But boundaries are not hostility.

They are clarity.

Supporting Black women where they live means respecting when a woman says:

I cannot carry this responsibility

I am focusing on my own community right now

I need rest

I need space

I need safety

Healthy communities honor those boundaries rather than challenging them.

Invest in Local Well-Being
Support also means strengthening the environments where Black women live their daily lives.

That includes:

• safe housing and neighborhoods
• fair workplaces
• access to healthcare
• protection from violence
• opportunities for education and economic growth

Grand speeches about global change mean very little if the everyday conditions around women remain unsafe or unstable.

Supporting Black women locally is practical.

It asks a simple question:

Are the women in this community able to live with dignity and security?

Share Responsibility
For generations, Black women have been expected to hold families, organizations, and movements together.

But no group of people should carry that level of responsibility alone.

Real support looks like shared responsibility.

That means:

• men stepping forward in protection and accountability
• institutions doing their part to correct injustice
• communities addressing problems instead of leaving them to women to solve

Black women are human beings with our own needs, dreams, and limits.

We are not the permanent on-call emergency response system for every crisis.

Protect Black Women’s Humanity
Perhaps the most powerful form of support is also the most basic.

Recognizing the full humanity of Black women.

Not only their strength.

Not only their resilience.

But also their:

• vulnerability
• creativity
• joy
• need for rest
• right to live without constant burden

A society that only celebrates Black women when they are sacrificing is NOT truly honoring them.

It is simply relying on them. Leaning. Without appreciation.

A Reflection
Imagine communities where people asked a different set of questions.

Instead of asking Black women to give more, people asked:

What do you need right now?

How can we support your safety and well-being?

What would make life better where you live?

What responsibilities should the rest of us carry?

Those questions would change the tone of many conversations.

Because real support does not begin with demands.

It begins with care.

Affirmation
I am worthy of support where I live.
My well-being matters in my own community.
I am not required to carry every burden placed before me.
My boundaries are wise.
My rest is valuable.
My life deserves dignity, safety, and peace.

The post What Would It Look Like to Support Black Women Where They Actually Live? appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

“Before Obama all was great.”

They are telling lies and there is NO truth residing there.

In 1992, during the presidential campaign, something happened that still echoes in American political strategy.

It became known as “the Sister Souljah moment.”

Sister Souljah is an American activist, author, and public intellectual who rose to national attention in the late 1980s and early 1990s. She was born in New York City and raised in the Bronx.

She also attended Cornell University but she came onto the radar of many early fans of hip hop in the 1990s for her straight ahead and fact-filled criticism of racism that resonated with a lot of us. She was both powerful and empowering. Her 1999 novel, The Coldest Winter Ever became a cultural landmark in urban literature.

The Climate

The early 1990s were tense.

• The beating of Rodney King
• The acquittal of the officers
• The Los Angeles uprising
• Central Park Jogger case of 1989
• 1985 MOVE bombing

Conversations about race, policing, and systemic harm were raw and public.

Sister Souljah, an activist, writer, and cultural figure, had made comments in an interview responding to racial violence. A line was widely quoted in media coverage:

“If Black people kill Black people every day, why not have a week and kill white people?” Ooooooh boy! We knew it was coming and all you could do was brace for it. Because in spite of the men saying anything that they wanted to-and going on the wildly popular daytime talk shows to inform us why they felt entitled to keep saying it-she is a Black woman and that is always received differently. 

She later argued the statement was taken out of context and was part of a broader critique about systemic violence and media framing. But the quote circulated heavily.

Clinton’s Speech

At a meeting of the Rainbow Coalition led by Jesse Jackson, a then presidential campaigning/governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton publicly criticized Sister Souljah’s comments. At the Rainbow Coalition. 

He compared her rhetoric to that of white supremacist figures (like David Duke), arguing that inflammatory language should be condemned regardless of who says it. This was strategic and everybody knew it.

Clinton was positioning himself as a “New Democrat” — signaling to moderate and white voters that he would distance himself from what some perceived as radical Black leadership.

It was political theater with calculation behind it.

Sister Souljah’s Response

She did not stay silent and no one expected that she would. 

She accused Clinton of:

• Misrepresenting her words
• Using her as a political prop
• Attempting to prove credibility by publicly rebuking a Black woman

She argued that her broader work addressed violence, economic inequality, and systemic harm — and that singling out one provocative line erased context.

For many Black observers, the moment felt like a public rebuke designed to reassure nervous voters. It felt like a low blow from a man with a lot of power. Like she was disposable. 

Why It Still Matters

The phrase “Sister Souljah moment” entered political vocabulary.

It now means:

A politician publicly criticizing someone from their perceived base to appear independent or moderate.

(I am not saying any names but if you know….you know. It is a playbook that now extends beyond politics. They are not making ‘missteps.’ They are following footprints. It is a call out or shout out across the yard to one another. As they see it, they aren’t even talking to us.)

That strategy has been repeated many times since.

The moment raised bigger questions that still feel alive:

• Who gets quoted out of context?
• Who becomes a symbol?
• Who is sacrificed to prove “balance”?
• What happens when political ambition meets racial tension?

The Deeper Undercurrent

This wasn’t just about one comment.

It was about:

Respectability politics.

Political theater.

• The pressure placed on Black voices to be palatable
• The performance of “toughness” in national campaigns
• The strategic distancing from Black anger during moments of public pain

It also showed how quickly complex conversations about violence can be flattened into headlines.

That moment was not random.
It was deliberate positioning.

And it marked a shift toward a style of politics where rebuking your “own side” became “proof of seriousness.” “But ONLY when Black people, specifically Black women, are the target. Black women, in particular, “should know their place.”

See also when Hugo Chavez said to Condoleeza Rice: “Don’t you mess with me girl.”   He said it in 2006 during his weekly television broadcast after Rice had described Venezuela’s government as destabilizing in the region.

Understanding how Black women are used in politics helps decode modern political strategy.

History leaves fingerprints.
This was one of them.

The post Sister Souljah — The 1992 Moment That Shifted Political Language appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.

Grooming is a word we hear often, yet misunderstanding still surrounds it.

That confusion can lead to silence.
It can feed shame.
It can even shift blame onto Survivors.

It can also create unnecessary panic when people reduce grooming to something as simple as an age gap.

Grooming is not defined by numbers.
It is defined by power, manipulation, and gradual control.

Here are ten essential truths.

1. Grooming is a deliberate process, not an accident.

Think: The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

Grooming is not miscommunication.
It is strategy.

Like Tom Ripley, groomers observe carefully. They study vulnerabilities, mirror preferences, build trust with precision. Nothing feels abrupt because patience is part of the design. By the time harm becomes visible, the foundation has already been laid.

2. Grooming happens to children AND vulnerable adults.

Think: An Education (2009)

Grooming follows openings, not birthdays.

Jenny was intelligent, curious, full of potential. Vulnerability is rarely about intelligence. It often lives in longing, loneliness, inexperience, grief, disability, financial stress, or emotional isolation. Anyone navigating a fragile season can be targeted.

3. Grooming is about power imbalances, not just age.

Think: The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

Age can be a factor.Power is the engine.

Power can come from status, authority, money, housing, mentorship roles, career influence, emotional dominance, or life experience. As Miranda Priestly’s approval reshaped Andy’s world, grooming operates through one person quietly controlling another’s sense of stability and worth.

4. Grooming often begins long before the abuse.

Think: Black Swan (2010)

It rarely starts with harm.
It starts with relief.

Relief from loneliness.
Relief from feeling unseen.
Relief from feeling uncertain or unsafe.

Attention feels like rescue. Praise feels like validation. Boundaries shift so subtly they barely register. The psychological dismantling precedes the visible damage.

5. Grooming creates a false sense of loyalty.

Think: Beauty and the Beast

Attachment is not accidental.
It is conditioned.

The connection feels rare, intense, irreplaceable. Doubt feels like betrayal. Distance feels like loss. Even when harm appears, emotional bonds may remain painfully strong. This is one of grooming’s most misunderstood effects.

6. Groomers often target those without strong support systems.

Think: Carrie (1976)

Isolation is fertile ground.

Grooming relationships slowly weaken outside influences. Friends become “jealous.” Family becomes “controlling.” Mentors become “threats.” Over time, the groomer becomes both the safest-feeling and most destabilizing presence in a person’s life.

7. Grooming doesn’t require threats—it thrives on trust.

Think: Get Out (2017)

Fear is loud.
Grooming is quiet.

Chris was welcomed, reassured, embraced. Many victims describe similar beginnings. Kindness, understanding, affection, protection. Control enters gently, disguised as care. Trust becomes the mechanism of entrapment.

8. Grooming is different from a healthy age-gap relationship.

Think: Before Sunset (2004)

An age gap alone proves nothing.
Patterns tell the story.

Healthy relationships preserve autonomy, respect boundaries, tolerate disagreement, and encourage independent thinking. Grooming relationships narrow choices, increase dependency, and subtly punish independence.

9. Grooming can leave Survivors blaming themselves.

Think: Good Will Hunting (1997)

“I should have known.”
“I agreed.”
“I stayed.”
“I didn’t say no.”

Self-blame is one of grooming’s deepest injuries. Manipulated consent is not true consent. Psychological conditioning reshapes perception. Survivors are responding to influence, not failure.

10. Understanding grooming is the first step toward healing and protection.

Think: The Truman Show (1998)

Recognition changes everything.

When Truman noticed inconsistencies, reality cracked open. Survivors often describe a similar awakening. Naming the pattern restores clarity. Clarity restores boundaries. Boundaries restore power.

Closing Reflection

If grooming shaped your experience:

Your confusion makes sense.
Your attachment makes sense.
Your delayed recognition makes sense.

Grooming hides inside what looks like care.
It distorts what feels like choice.
It survives through misunderstanding.

And truth has a way of returning, even after long silence.

For Survivors

You are not responsible for someone else’s calculated deception.
You are not defined by manipulation.
You are not alone in untangling what once felt like connection.

Your story matters.
Your clarity matters.
Your healing matters.

Your story matters. Your healing matters. And you deserve to reclaim your power.

10 Common Myths About Grooming (and the Truth Survivors Need to Know)

10 Rights Every Child Deserves Without Compromise

By the Power of Self-Protection (podcast/audio)

Naming Ourselves: The Right of Women to Define Our Power and Purpose (audio/Podcast)

Spotting the Red Flags: Early Warning Signs of Manipulative and Abusive People (audio/podcast)

Words Matter: Why Calling Older Woman-Younger Man Relationships “Grooming” is Harmful

Red Flags for Women: Silent Signals of Control in Relationships

The post 10 Truths About Grooming: What It Is and What It Is Not appeared first on WESurviveAbuse.