As an advocate, you become familiar with the careful way that a woman tells you her story. She's testing your waters. Are you safe? Are you judgment
As an advocate, you become familiar with the careful way that a woman tells you her story. She’s testing your waters. Are you safe? Are you judgmental? Is your mind closed or limited to all the ways that domestic violence can play out in relationships? That’s your choice of course. But if you are, she will have to go elsewhere to find someone to help her save her own life.
Abuse does not discriminate. It happens in every community, in every kind of relationship—including lesbian relationships. But too often, when lesbian Survivors seek help, they are met with ignorance, outdated stereotypes, and a society that still doesn’t take their abuse seriously. Some agencies and professionals still dismiss domestic violence between women as nothing more than a “catfight” or mutual conflict. But let’s be clear: abuse is not a fight—it’s a pattern of control, power, and harm.
If you have a lesbian friend in an abusive relationship, she may be struggling to find support. As a friend, you can play a crucial role in helping her recognize the abuse, seek safety, and reclaim her power.
The Challenges Lesbian Survivors Face
Lesbian Survivors often deal with unique challenges that can make it even harder to leave an abusive relationship, such as:
- Minimization of abuse – Some people still believe that abuse in same-sex relationships isn’t “real” because they see two women as “equals.”
- Fear of not being believed – Many Survivors worry that if they speak out, people—including law enforcement—won’t take them seriously.
- Lack of LGBTQ+-friendly resources – Many domestic violence shelters and support services are primarily designed for heterosexual women.
- Fear of being outed – If a Survivor is not openly out, an abuser may use that against her, threatening to tell her family, job, or community.
- Internalized shame – Some lesbian Survivors struggle with guilt, believing they should have known better or should have been strong enough to fight back.
How to Support a Lesbian Friend in an Abusive Relationship
1. Believe Her—Without Question or Judgment
One of the biggest barriers to seeking help is the fear of not being believed. Many lesbian Survivors are met with skepticism or are told, “It can’t be that bad.” When she confides in you, listen with compassion. Believe her, validate her experience, and let her know she is not alone.
2. Help Her Identify the Red Flags
Not all abuse is physical. Abuse in lesbian relationships can include:
- Extreme jealousy and possessiveness – Her partner isolates her from friends and family, accuses her of cheating, or controls where she goes.
- Verbal and emotional abuse – Insults, belittling, and gaslighting (making her question her own reality).
- Financial control – Taking over bank accounts, limiting her access to money, or making her financially dependent.
- Sexual coercion – Pressuring or forcing intimacy, even using emotional guilt or threats.
- Outing threats – Using her sexual identity as a weapon, threatening to expose her or details about their sex life to people who may not know.
- Physical violence – Hitting, pushing, throwing objects, or any form of physical harm.
Recognizing these signs is an important step toward getting out.
3. Challenge Harmful Stereotypes
If she seeks help and encounters professionals who dismiss her situation as just a “lover’s quarrel” or a “catfight,” advocate for her. Abuse isn’t about who can physically fight back—it’s about one person having power and control over another. No Survivor should be dismissed simply because her abuser is also a woman.
4. Help Her Find Safe LGBTQ+ Resources
Many traditional domestic violence services are designed with straight women in mind. Help your friend find LGBTQ+-inclusive shelters, hotlines, and therapists who will take her experience seriously.
5. Let Her Make Her Own Decisions
Leaving an abusive relationship is complicated. Like all Survivors, lesbian women may feel conflicted, scared, or financially trapped. Support her without pressuring her. Let her know you will stand by her when she’s ready.
Sisterhood Means Showing Up
The idea that women can’t be abusers, or that abuse between women isn’t serious, is just another way that society fails women. If we believe in real justice, we must fight for every woman’s right to live free from violence.
Being a friend means more than just listening—it means showing up, standing beside her, and reminding her of her worth. No woman should have to face abuse alone. And no woman should be told that her pain doesn’t matter just because her abuser is also a woman.
