When the hands that claim to help you are the ones tightening the grip. Not all abuse comes from partners.Sometimes, it comes from systems—the cour
When the hands that claim to help you are the ones tightening the grip.
Not all abuse comes from partners.
Sometimes, it comes from systems—the courtroom, the school, the hospital, the church, the shelter, the government office.
Systems can control you with rules that shift.
With voices that talk over yours.
With help that comes at the cost of silence, obedience, or self-betrayal.
This, too, is coercive control.
⚖️ What Does Systemic Coercive Control Look Like?
Coercive control doesn’t just live in homes—it lives in policies, procedures, and protocol.
It shows up when a Survivor goes for help and is:
Required to “co-parent” with someone who abused her.
Even after disclosing violence. Even when the danger is known.Told she’s “non-compliant” for refusing a male doctor, caseworker, or shelter roommate.
As if trauma responses are a personal failure.Punished for asking too many questions.
Told she is “hostile,” “too emotional,” “difficult to work with.”Denied help unless she shares every detail of her suffering.
As if pain is the price of assistance.
These systems don’t need weapons to control.
They use paperwork, power imbalance, public shaming, and procedures.
And survivors—especially Black, disabled, immigrant, Indigenous, and poor women—are often expected to just… take it.
🔍 The Red Flags of Institutional Control
Withholding Essential Support
“You can’t get this benefit until you submit to this process.”
“We won’t believe you unless you give us a perfect story.”Gatekeeping Protection
“We don’t have space for people like you.”
“If you speak up, we’ll call CPS. We’ll report you. We’ll make you start over.”Demanding Gratitude for Bare Minimums
“We helped you, so you shouldn’t complain.”
“You’re lucky we didn’t do worse.”Using Children or Medical Records Against You
“You were struggling, so we had to intervene.”
“You refused meds, so now you’re unstable.”
None of this is random.
It is a structure of control that demands silence in exchange for scraps.
💬 SurvivorAffirmations Quote:
“You are not asking for too much.
You are asking for what systems were supposed to give without punishment.”
— SurvivorAffirmations.com
📖 Try This: System Memory-Mapping Exercise
If you’ve ever been harmed by a system, try this:
🖊️ On a piece of paper, write down:
The system (court, hospital, school, etc.)
What they told you
What you needed
What you felt forced to give up in order to survive
What you still carry
Ask yourself:
Was this healing?
Was this safety?
Or was it coercion dressed up as care?
Your answers matter.
🧠 A Truth to Hold Onto
If you feel like you’re being punished for needing help,
If you feel like you’re jumping through hoops that keep moving,
If you feel like you’re being controlled by rules that don’t protect you…
You’re not imagining it.
You’re remembering.
You’re recognizing the cage.
And there are people building keys, doors, and windows—with you in mind.
