"People online kept saying, 'Preferences are for pizza. Not people.' I understood what they were trying to say. But something about that comparison
“People online kept saying, ‘Preferences are for pizza. Not people.’
I understood what they were trying to say.
But something about that comparison didn’t sit right.
My grandmothers never talked about choosing a dating partner, boyfriend, or husband the way she talked about choosing dinner.
She talked about character.
She talked about peace.
She talked about family.
She talked about whether a man kept his word when nobody was watching.
She talked about how he treated his mother, children, neighbors, and people who could do nothing for him.
She wasn’t teaching me “preferences.”
She was teaching me discernment.
Like most women, I was never advised to go find the “finest” man that I could find. The one who looked good.
“Girl, you’re not a peacock. Use your brain.”
I was advised about character. Starting with mine. Just to make sure that we matched….for the long run.
Otherwise, I was directly advised not to waste my time. “Not worth it, and one man can wreck your future and your life.”
I didn’t believe them, of course. Just “old women talking.”
But they were not wrong. I learned a few lessons the way young people too often do. The hard way.
For women, in this world, dating men requires critical thinking and assessment. And that’s just to make sure you get home safely after the date.
Sighhhh, They are always right.
Males assume that women date the way they do. “I’m attracted to you; let’s date.”
Many women don’t date that way. Ever. At all.
For many women, dating has rarely been just about attraction. You ask a woman in a relationship why she started dating the man and she’ll give you a list that doesn’t mention looks until maybe around the end.
It has often been a process of evaluating a person’s character, habits, future potential, and the likely consequences of joining lives. Throughout history, women have had more to lose from a poor partner choice because of pregnancy, caregiving expectations, economic dependence, legal restrictions, and physical safety concerns. Whether those realities have changed fully or partially, they have shaped how many women think.
One reason today’s online debates can become so heated is that different people are using the same word to mean different things. One person hears “preference” and thinks of favorite pizza toppings or eye color. Another hears “preference” and thinks of the full set of judgments involved in deciding whether someone will be safe, compatible, trustworthy, and a good partner over decades.
Those are not the same conversation. A woman’s role in society is very different from a man’s, so much must be considered.
Instead of asking only, “Who do I like?” Women have often asked dozens of questions, including:
Shared values
Do we agree about faith?
Family?
Marriage?
Children?
Money?
Politics?
Community?
Service?
Lifestyle?
Emotional maturity
Can he regulate his emotions?
Can he hear “no”?
Does he respect rejection?
Does he communicate directly?
Does he manipulate through guilt or shame?
Social environment
Who are his friends?
What kind of people influence him?
Is his social circle healthy?
Does he encourage good decisions?
Character
Is he honest?
Does he keep his word?
Is he generous?
Is he humble enough to apologize?
Does he blame everyone else?
Does he gossip or embarrass people?
Past behavior
Has he been violent?
Does he have a pattern of deception?
Has he learned from past mistakes?
Health
Does he care for himself?
Does he abuse alcohol or drugs?
Does he seek help when needed?
Future potential
What kind of husband might he become?
What kind of father?
What kind of neighbor?
What kind of community member?
Belonging
Will I fit comfortably into his family?
Will I fit into his circle of friends?
Will I always feel like an outsider?
Does he respect the people who are important to me?
Conversation
Can we talk for hours?
Can we enjoy silence together?
Are we curious about the same things?
Will we still have things to talk about twenty years from now?
Shared history and understanding
Do we understand each other’s backgrounds?
Will he understand where I come from?
Can I understand his experiences?
Can we appreciate each other’s traditions?
Will this relationship make my life better?
Will I flourish here?
Who am I becoming by loving this person?
Calling all of this a “preference” flattens everything into the same category. It puts “I like blue eyes” in the same bucket as “I need someone whose values align with mine,” or “I don’t think I’ll be accepted by his community.” Or will he be accepted into mine? Considerations around a healthy merger even if that is only for a few dates.
And so many men, too many men, are dismissive of all of this because they want to circumvent the process and get the dates. Unfortunately, we see young men caring less and less about building lives and character to attract women. Yet, they still want the women to come running anyway. When the women don’t, they frame it as “her” problem to fix.
Five Things Women Have Always Evaluated Before Choosing a Dating Partner
Character
Compatibility
Community
Capacity (Can we build a life together?)
Chemistry
The men from all corners declaring that women are hateful for not dating men aren’t listening to women. Which makes one wonder what they think a “date” involves. It usually involves “talking” and “listening” to women.
The men demanding dates from women are already demonstrating that listening to and understanding women isn’t a priority to them. They just want the end result. The process of getting what they seek is annoying to them. “Just give me what I want. Now.”
Something to make note of from men who assert that women who will not date them….is it all about what they want and need? Are they making a good case or any case for what they genuinely offer a potential date? Are they talking about how much she would enjoy dating them ….or is she just hateful but they might be willing to make an exception and tolerate that for a date?
Dating is not a “human right.” So it is incumbent upon people who want to date to make themselves an attractive option (especially character) for the people that they want to attract.
Alleged “Male Loneliness” is Causing Men to Come Up With Bizarre Ideas – WE Survive Abuse