Women did not create boundaries because every man is dangerous. Women created boundaries because they cannot know in advance which man is. Violent men
Women did not create boundaries because every man is dangerous. Women created boundaries because they cannot know in advance which man is. Violent men don’t walk around with id tags on.
Why isn’t the demand:
Protect vulnerable men from violent men.
Build excellent shelters for male Survivors.
Fund male rape-crisis services.
Create private accommodations where necessary.
Challenge male violence and intimidation.
Give traumatized men spaces where they can recover safely.
Those are humane solutions. They don’t require treating women’s boundaries as society’s spare room.
I want everyone to be safe. How can that happen if we aren’t acknowledging that if men are afraid of men then ….
If men are afraid to share vulnerable spaces with other men, they already understand why women created boundaries around male access. Women’s safety cannot become the overflow solution for problems men experience with other men. If the presence of unfamiliar men can make a vulnerable man feel unsafe, stop pretending women are irrational for recognizing the same risk.
A man being frightened of men deserves compassion. A woman being frightened of men deserves compassion too. His fear cannot automatically outrank hers. In a service or space created specifically for female Survivors, her need for sex-separated space is not some petty inconvenience standing between another person and dignity. For some women, that separation is part of what makes participation possible in the first place.
If being surrounded by unfamiliar men can make a vulnerable male feel unsafe, then we have already conceded the principle women have been explaining for generations. The answer cannot be that women must absorb the very risk from which everyone else is asking to be protected.
The thing about creating safety is it requires critical thinking. It simply does not logically follow that women and girls should surrender boundaries created partly because they also face violence and intimidation from males.
If the reason a male person says he cannot safely or comfortably use a male space is that other males may frighten, harass, assault, humiliate, or endanger him, then the underlying safety problem has already been identified: male violence and intimidation. We just need the courage to acknowledge that.
And the strongest policy answer is not abandonment. It is more provision. Safe services for women. Safe services for men. Specialized services where particular populations need them. Private alternatives where appropriate. Better funding. Better facilities. More beds. More trained advocates.
We have enough imagination to build another room. Women and girls should not perpetually be asked to surrender theirs.
Be bold. You only live once. Build another shelter. Fund another program. Open another healing room. Create more safety in this world. Women and girls giving up theirs should never be the solution.
Build men safer spaces. Build women safer spaces. Safety does not require taking a door off somebody else’s shelter.
Survivor affirmations
I am allowed to need female-only space while I heal.
My boundaries do not require another person’s agreement to be real.
I can have compassion for another person without surrendering the conditions that help me feel safe.
Someone else’s vulnerability does not cancel mine.
I do not have to override my body’s warning signals to demonstrate kindness.
I am allowed to choose privacy, distance and separation after violence.
I can believe that other people deserve protection while insisting that I deserve protection too.
My healing space does not have to become an exercise in proving how accommodating I can be.
I am not cruel because I need boundaries. I am listening to what my experience has taught me.
I do not owe anyone access to me, my body, my changing space, my sleeping space or my healing circle.