Technology has given abusive people new ways to watch, follow and frighten women. Some of them are hiding in places you may not think to look. Leena
Technology has given abusive people new ways to watch, follow and frighten women. Some of them are hiding in places you may not think to look.
Leena noticed it at the grocery store.
Photo by Shawn Fields
Her ex texted, You could have at least told me you were going to be over there.
She stared at the message.
They had been separated for three weeks. She hadn’t posted anything. She hadn’t told their mutual friends. She had decided to stop at the store on the way home from work.
She told herself it was a coincidence.
Then it happened again.
She met her sister for lunch somewhere they rarely went. That evening he made a sarcastic comment about her “having money for restaurants.”
Now she was unsettled.
Leena changed her social-media passwords. She turned off location sharing on the app she used most. She checked her purse for an AirTag.
Nothing.
And still he knew things.
Eventually, Leena discovered something she hadn’t considered.
The problem wasn’t a mysterious spy gadget hidden underneath her car.
It was an old account.
Years earlier, when they were together, she’d shared access to a service connected to one of her devices. It had been ordinary then. Convenient, even. Nobody thought of it as surveillance because nobody was hiding anything from anybody.
The relationship had ended.
The digital access had not.
Leena is fictional. The problem is very real.
An abusive person doesn’t necessarily need to be a hacker to know where you are. Sometimes the technology was legitimately shared during the relationship. Sometimes an account remained logged in. Sometimes location sharing was forgotten. Sometimes another connected device is quietly reporting information.
And yes, sometimes surveillance software or a physical tracker really has been installed.
The FTC warns that stalkerware can allow someone to secretly obtain a person’s location, texts, emails, photographs and online activity. Some software may even access microphones.
So if somebody consistently seems to know things they shouldn’t know, don’t begin by assuming you are imagining it.
Begin by asking: Where could the information be coming from?
1. Check the obvious location-sharing settings first
Before assuming sophisticated spyware, look at ordinary sharing.
Check Apple or Google location sharing, family accounts, messaging apps, social-media apps and any other app where you may have deliberately shared your whereabouts in the past.
Pay particular attention to people you shared with during the relationship.
Here’s something people may not realize: location systems can do more than show someone where you are. Google’s Find Hub, for example, can allow a person with whom location is being shared to create notifications when that person arrives at or leaves a particular location. Google says the person being monitored receives notification when such an alert is created and can disable those notifications.
That means the question isn’t merely:
Can he see where I am?
It can also be:
Can a service tell him when I arrive somewhere or leave?
2. Look for Bluetooth trackers, but don’t look only for AirTags
AirTags get most of the attention.
They aren’t the only trackers.
Android’s current unknown-tracker system can detect compatible tracker tags, headphones and AirTags that appear to be moving with someone without their knowledge. On compatible Android phones, you can also initiate a manual scan rather than waiting for an alert.
And here’s an important detail: Google warns that simply switching off Bluetooth, location services or turning on airplane mode does not disable the physical tracker itself.
Check belongings that routinely travel with you: purse, luggage, children’s belongings, coat pockets, mobility equipment and the vehicle.
If you find something suspicious, don’t immediately destroy it. Photograph it and preserve identifying information if it is safe to do so. It could become evidence.
3. Check your car’s own technology
This is one people can miss.
The suspicious object attached underneath the car isn’t the only possibility.
Modern vehicles can have manufacturer accounts, companion apps, connected navigation, remote-start services, digital keys and other connected features. Someone who previously had legitimate access to the vehicle or its account may still have privileges.
Look at the vehicle manufacturer’s account and app. Review authorized users, drivers, digital keys, connected services and account recovery information.
If you don’t understand what your particular vehicle can share, contact the manufacturer or dealership from a safe device and ask specifically about remote vehicle location and shared-account access.
4. Check watches, earbuds and other wearables
Your phone isn’t the only smart thing you carry.
Smartwatches, fitness devices and some connected accessories can participate in device-finding ecosystems. Google, for example, says Find Hub can locate phones, tablets, Wear OS watches, headphones and tracker-tagged belongings.
Review the accounts connected to these devices and who can access them.
Think beyond the phone.
5. Check your photos
This one surprises people.
Photos can contain location information. Apps and cloud services can also organize photographs according to where they were taken.
Then there is ordinary visual detective work.
A photograph doesn’t have to display an address to reveal where you are. A restaurant sign, recognizable building, school logo, street sign, hotel balcony, reflection, storefront or distinctive landscape may be enough.
The safest photograph isn’t always the photograph with location services turned off.
Sometimes it is the photograph you post after you have left.
6. Check shared cloud and family accounts
This may be more important than searching underneath the car.
Look carefully at Apple, Google, Microsoft, Amazon and other accounts that organize multiple devices or family services.
Ask:
Who is signed in?
Which devices are authorized?
What recovery email and telephone number are attached?
Who belongs to the family group?
Which photographs, calendars, notes or files are shared?
An ex doesn’t necessarily need your new password if some other authorized access remains alive.
7. Check calendars
This is a quiet one.
Your calendar can tell a remarkable story about your movements.
Doctor. Dentist. Therapy. Church. School conference. Hair appointment. Flight. Hotel. Dinner reservation.
If someone once had access to a shared calendar, family calendar, email account or scheduling service, investigate whether that access survived the relationship.
Sometimes the location leak isn’t GPS.
It is your schedule.
8. Check your smart home
Doorbells. Cameras. Speakers. Thermostats. Lights. Digital locks. TVs. Home assistants.
These aren’t merely appliances anymore.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline specifically warns about Internet-of-Things abuse. An abusive partner may exploit connected devices for surveillance or control. Its examples include manipulating digital locks, smart speakers and other home systems.
Review who owns the master account, who has administrator privileges and which devices have access.
And remember something important: removing access can alert the other person or change their behavior. If you fear retaliation, make a safety plan before making sweeping changes.
9. Check whether your phone itself is compromised
The FTC identifies several possible warning signs of stalkerware: unusual battery drain, increased data consumption, overheating, unexpected restarts and, perhaps most tellingly, another person knowing private information they should not know.
None of those symptoms proves spyware is present. Batteries deteriorate. Apps malfunction. Phones overheat.
Look at the whole pattern.
The FTC also notes that some stalkerware deliberately disguises itself with innocent-looking names such as system services.
This is one reason casually deleting something unfamiliar isn’t always the best first move.
10. Check your email account, not just your inbox
Email is the skeleton key to much of our digital lives.
Someone with access may be able to reset other passwords, see travel confirmations, appointments, purchases and account notifications.
Review logged-in devices, recent security activity, recovery addresses, recovery phone numbers, forwarding settings, filters and connected applications.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline warns that email accounts can be accessed without a Survivor realizing it and recommends using a safer device and, when appropriate, an account the abusive person does not know about for sensitive safety planning.
11. Check the children’s devices and shared belongings
This deserves far more attention.
If children move between households, their phones, tablets, watches, backpacks and other connected belongings may travel too.
A tracker attached to something legitimately belonging to a child can create a complicated situation because the device itself may have an innocent purpose while still revealing information about where the child and accompanying parent are.
Don’t make assumptions. Examine the ecosystem.
What travels with you?
That question may reveal more than What’s attached to my phone?
12. Check the human network
Technology isn’t always the leak.
Someone may be telling him.
A relative may casually mention where you were. A mutual friend may forward a photograph. Someone may tag you. Your child’s activity may reveal a location. A public event page may list attendees. Your workplace may have an online staff directory. A family member may post something without realizing its significance.
Before concluding that sophisticated surveillance is occurring, map all the ordinary ways the information could travel.
That is part of investigating too.
Before You Start Disconnecting Everything
This part is critical.
If you believe an abusive person is monitoring you, suddenly changing passwords, disabling accounts, removing software or destroying a tracker may tell that person you have discovered the surveillance.
The FTC specifically cautions that removing stalkerware can alert an abuser and potentially lead to escalation. It recommends considering safety first, preserving evidence where appropriate and seeking assistance from a different, safer device when possible.
The same principle applies beyond stalkerware.
Sometimes the first move isn’t:
Turn everything off.
The first move is:
Get somewhere safe and make a plan.
If you receive an unknown-tracker alert, save screenshots of the alert and map. Google also provides instructions for retrieving identifying information from detected trackers and notes that law enforcement may use tracker identifiers during an investigation.
Places to Get Help
For immediate danger in the United States, call 911 when it is safe to do so.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: technology and internet safety provides 24/7 assistance and technology-safety information. The Hotline can also be reached at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting START to 88788.
NNEDV Safety Net Project specializes specifically in technology safety, privacy and abuse. This is an excellent resource when the problem is more complicated than changing a password.
FTC guide to stalkerware explains warning signs, account protection and what to consider before removing suspected monitoring software.
Android unknown-tracker instructions explains automatic alerts, manual scans, locating a tracker, preserving identifying information and disabling compatible trackers.
Apple Personal Safety User Guide includes Apple’s Safety Check and guidance for reviewing sharing and access on Apple devices.
One Last Thing
When a woman says, “He always seems to know where I am,” we should not immediately decide what explains it.
Maybe somebody told him.
Maybe she forgot an old shared account.
Maybe a photograph gave something away.
Maybe her vehicle, watch, calendar or child’s device is revealing information.
Maybe there is stalkerware.
Maybe there is a tracker.
The answer comes from investigating the evidence.
But the question itself deserves to be taken seriously.
Because technology has changed what access looks like. A person no longer has to be standing outside your window to be looking into your life.
And sometimes the most important digital-safety question is astonishingly simple:
Who still has access to me that I thought I had already left behind?