When it comes to domestic and sexual violence, most of us will never be asked to make a final, life-changing legal decision like a judge or a jury m
When it comes to domestic and sexual violence, most of us will never be asked to make a final, life-changing legal decision like a judge or a jury member.
We may not sit in positions of power like an employer who has to choose whether to act on a disclosure.
But nearly all of us do hold roles that matter:
family member
friend
acquaintance
faith group member
colleague
And from these roles, nearly all of us have the power to make a positive difference in the life of a Survivor who chooses to disclose.
Yet too often, people make it harder for Survivors to speak.
One of the most common—and damaging—responses Survivors hear is: “Why now?”
Why “Why Now?” Wounds
“Why now?” is rarely asked of any other crime victim. But Survivors hear it all the time. On the surface, it seems like an innocent question. Beneath it, it carries doubt, arrogance, and a lack of understanding about trauma.
Here’s what “Why now?” often communicates:
1. Doubt or Skepticism
What They’re Thinking: “If this really happened, why didn’t you say something sooner?”
What It Means: They’re questioning credibility.
Why It Hurts: It implies disbelief and accuses Survivors of lying. If you’re not the one living their life, why belittle them for telling their truth?
2. Discomfort With the Topic
What They’re Thinking: “This is hard for me to hear. Why bring it up now?”
What It Means: They want to avoid their own discomfort.
Why It Hurts: It shifts the focus away from the Survivor’s courage and onto the listener’s feelings. Yes, these stories are heavy. If you cannot handle it, ensure the Survivor knows where else they can safely turn.
3. Misunderstanding Healing
What They’re Thinking: “Why didn’t you deal with this earlier?”
What It Means: They assume healing follows a timeline.
Why It Hurts: It disregards barriers Survivors face—fear, shame, illness, family dysfunction, power dynamics. Healing is not quick. For many, it is lifelong.
4. Curiosity Without Sensitivity
What They’re Thinking: “What happened to make you decide to speak now?”
What It Means: They want details, justification.
Why It Hurts: Timing doesn’t need justification. What matters is that the Survivor finally feels able to speak. Support looks like restraint, listening, and compassion.
The Reality of Disclosure
Survivors often delay disclosure because of:
Fear of judgment or disbelief
Trauma responses like suppression or denial
Power dynamics with abusers in positions of authority
Readiness to heal only when conditions finally feel safe
A Better Response
When someone discloses abuse, it’s a monumental act of courage. First, they had to survive it. Then, they had to risk telling.
Instead of “Why now?”—try:
“Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
“I’m here to listen and support you however I can.”
These responses affirm Survivors and create safety.
Final Word
“Why now?” risks shutting down bravery. It tells Survivors their timing matters more than their truth.
But Survivors don’t need interrogation—they need support.
We are human beings, not sharks circling blood in the water. When Survivors come forward, our role is not to attack. Our role is to stand with them, affirm their courage, and honor their trust.