There is a lot going on in the world. But the pain of sexual violence, and the complicated aftermath that follows, never hits “pause.” It doesn’t wa
There is a lot going on in the world. But the pain of sexual violence, and the complicated aftermath that follows, never hits “pause.” It doesn’t wait for the news cycle, or for when we’re ready to listen. And it sure doesn’t follow the tidy, one-hour script of Law & Order: SVU.
When a person is sexually violated, they might report. They might want to press charges.
At first.
But then…
Over time, they might begin to retreat.
They stop returning phone calls.
They cancel appointments.
They begin to distance themselves—from law enforcement, from advocates, from friends, even from their own family.
And that’s when the questions begin.
“Maybe they made it up?”
“Why are they acting like they did something wrong?”
“If it were me, I would’ve just… “
But it wasn’t you.
And unless you’ve lived it, you may never understand.
Never.
🧠 A Crime Unlike Any Other
Sexual violence is not the kind of crime where people line up to support the victim.
There are no massive protests.
No televised vigils.
No collective rallying cries.
There are hashtags, yes—but they often elevate the names of the accused, not the Survivor.
And if we’re honest, those hashtags and headlines often only catch fire when the accused is a man of color. Rarely, if ever, do we see this kind of energy for Survivors. Especially not women. Especially not children. Especially not those without power.
⚖️ The Public Autopsy
When you report rape or sexual abuse, every decision you’ve ever made becomes subject to public autopsy.
What you wore.
Where you went.
Who you were with.
What you drank.
What you said.
How you said it.
Who you’ve been intimate with in the past.
Your body becomes the scene of the crime.
And for some Survivors, it feels like it never ends.
Because unlike on television, this process doesn’t wrap up in 60 minutes.
It can take years.
😔 A Mother’s Nightmare
I once advocated for a mother and her little girl whose husband was being investigated for molesting her daughter. She was angry, sad, hurt, and fed up with this whole country. It was nothing she thought it was. She was angry with everything about it. Now, I knew it had everything to do with that monster she married but ….I got it. Had that been me, I would have been ready to put my child on my back and swim home.
Her “happily ever after” turned into an abusive marriage and a police investigation in less than a year.
Now, you would think that there would be praise. Though there was a lot of emotional and physical destruction, it all came out sooner than most cases that we see. But no, this is violence against a woman and her child. She will likely be re-victimized again, and again, and again, and again.
Political leaders continue to fight for that “right” as society accuses women and children who speak against it of being of the hateful ones….. but let me finish this story.
The police woman came out and informed us that the victim and her child could not leave the country during an ongoing child abuse investigation. Well, here I was thinking I was about to make transportation arrangements but she just shut that down.
In the lobby of the police station she looked at me and said, “Americans are rude!” It was a break in the tension. We looked at one another and laughed. It was a need. A seedling of joy for the long journey ahead.
She was stuck in a country, she didn’t want to be in, far from her family, far from support.
Her life was in limbo.
Her daughter’s trauma was ongoing and she did not trust anyone. She wanted to go home.
Meanwhile, Mom’s job prospects were fading.
Though she was well educated, she was in no mental shape to work.
And hope was growing harder to hold on to.
Because every time an agent of the justice system speaks with a Survivor, more evidence is being collected. More of the crime scene—their body, their memory, their pain—is being probed.
Even when we mean well, we are asking them to stay in the wreckage.
🕯️ Why Do Victims Recant?
Because they are tired of being a crime scene.
Because they are tired of begging to be believed.
Because they are tired of being touched, studied, doubted, picked apart.
Because they just want their life back.
Quick, fast, and in a hurry.
So the next time a Survivor takes it all back—before we judge, question, or cast doubt—pause.
Ask yourself: What if this was the only way they could reclaim their humanity?
⚠️ A Final Truth
Sexual violence is unlike any other crime.
And that’s exactly why it must be stopped.
Not just through tougher laws.
Not just through court proceedings.
But through a radical shift in how we respond to Survivors.
With belief.
With boundaries.
With justice.
And with the courage to change what isn’t working.
