You saw our hair. Not our fear.Not our exhaustion.Not our grief.Not our pain. Just our hair. You formed opinions. You whispered. You rolled your
You saw our hair.
Not our fear.
Not our exhaustion.
Not our grief.
Not our pain.
Just our hair.
You formed opinions. You whispered. You rolled your eyes.
But you didn’t ask what we were going through.
You didn’t know. You didn’t care to know.
This post is for the Black women who have ever had to endure public scrutiny while privately navigating suffering—with hair that wasn’t “done,” “laid,” or “acceptable.”
Here are 50 times we walked past you with our hair “not to your liking,” but we were dying inside.
1. While waiting on the results of a breast biopsy.
Black women are 40% more likely to die from breast cancer than white women, even though we’re often diagnosed at younger ages.
Source: CDC
2. After pulling out chunks of our own hair due to stress-induced alopecia.
47.6% of Black women report hair loss, often due to tension-related styles and stress.
Source: American Academy of Dermatology
3. While taking care of a parent with Alzheimer’s and forgetting to take care of ourselves.
Black caregivers report higher levels of psychological distress and financial strain.
Source: National Alliance for Caregiving
4. After leaving a relationship that nearly killed us.
Over 40% of Black women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
Source: Institute for Women’s Policy Research
5. While navigating a miscarriage we didn’t tell a soul about.
6. After being told we’re “too strong to need help.”
7. After a long night sleeping in a hospital chair next to our child’s bed.
8. After another mental health appointment where we still weren’t heard.
Only one in three Black adults who need mental health care receive it.
Source: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
9. While silently battling chronic depression, but smiling for others.
10. After losing a job—not because of skill, but because of politics and power.
11. While raising kids with autism and still being told we’re “too loud.”
Black children are diagnosed with autism later than white children and receive fewer services.
Source: CDC
12. While grieving a sister, a friend, a mother we just buried.
13. After our head injury from a car accident made styling painful.
14. After a chemotherapy session left our scalp tender and raw.
15. With braids we installed ourselves at 3 a.m. while sobbing.
16. While escaping abuse with nothing but our ID and a hoodie.
Black women are nearly 3 times more likely to be murdered by a man than white women.
Source: Violence Policy Center
17. After a week of eating instant noodles so our kids could have real food.
18. After sleeping in our car, praying we’d wake up safe.
19. After attending yet another funeral for someone lost too soon.
20. After being passed over for a promotion—again.
21. While wearing our bonnet out because our scalp was inflamed.
22. After being told our twist-out was “too distracting” for work.
23. After hiding a bald patch from medical treatment or trauma.
24. While navigating grief and trauma with no paid leave.
25. After walking through our workplace smiling so we wouldn’t seem “hostile.”
26. While deeply grieving a miscarriage nobody knew about.
27. After a therapist visit that left us feeling even more broken.
28. After finding the courage to report sexual assault.
29. While dealing with autoimmune flare-ups that caused hair thinning.
30. While protecting children—our own or others—like we always do.
31. After getting cussed out by a partner who said we’re “too much.”
32. After trying to survive on a paycheck that no longer stretches.
33. After comforting everyone else, again, while running on empty.
34. While thinking about how many of our ancestors didn’t live to be this tired.
35. After a friend disappeared and no one put out an alert.
36. After staying up all night with a crying newborn and no help.
37. After being told that our grief was “too dramatic.”
38. While recovering from a suicide attempt we told no one about.
Suicide is a leading cause of death for Black women aged 15–24.
Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Minority Health
39. After breaking down in the car, but walking in like nothing happened.
40. While still bleeding from wounds no one can see.
41. While quietly managing PTSD that no one has diagnosed.
42. After being blamed for our own trauma.
43. While feeling invisible in a room full of people.
44. After having our bodies and stories exploited for someone else’s gain.
45. After being told “you should’ve done something with your hair.”
46. While holding the weight of generations and still expected to smile.
47. After surviving assault but not being “the right kind of victim.”
48. While watching people celebrate others, but never seeing us.
49. After losing someone to gun violence and still going to work.
50. While walking in our truth—whether you saw it or not.
Stop Watching Our Hair and Start Seeing Our Humanity
You saw naps, edges, coils, scarves, bonnets, frizz.
But you didn’t see the woman under it all—struggling to hold herself together.
You cared more about grooming than grief.
More about “respectability” than reality.
More about appearance than what we were surviving.
Black women don’t owe you beauty in our pain.
We deserve to be seen, heard, and held—whether our hair is laid or undone, fresh or frizzy, covered or free.
Because we are the sacred thing.
Not the style. Not the approval. Not your gaze.
