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Original post 9/23/15
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7. Every choice that you ever made (sexually) is scrutinized.
They have questions.
Q: How many intimate partners have you had?
Q: How quickly do you usually decide to sleep with them?
Q: Do you usually sleep with them on the first date?
Q: What type of relations do you have? Traditional? Adventurous?
People write it down.
Put it in mainstream media articles even though other topics are deemed too sensitive for the “soccer moms”.
But with this stuff the more details, the more profitable.
It is news after all.
They make timelines- verbal or written- don’t matter to them.
Only for the victim of course. Rarely for the accused.
They use phrases like: “I’m just trying to keep them all straight.”
“I’m just trying to keep them all straight.”
“I’m just trying to keep them all straight.”
Because there is no acceptable number.
PRESSING PAUSE
The exception is when the accused is a person (read male) of color. See this is when you all make it very hard for us “Social Justice Warriors” who are Women of Color.
War ensues and it ain’t even civil.
The exception can also apply when the accused is an LGB person of any race.
I’ve seen some good talks on social media, but I am not qualified to honor this conversation with the wisdom it deserves. If you are, please contact me. I would love to post that here on this blog.
Meanwhile, the intimate choices of the accused are rarely scrutinized.
8. The mental health status of the Survivor is subject to scrutiny.
If you were so much as depressed as a teenager, then it will be suggested that you have a history of being “out of touch with reality”.
Listen, anyone can go through a struggle with mental illness. It can be for any reason or no reason. Mental health status is not always set in stone for life. It is a sign of being human, not a sign of weakness.
But having a struggle with mental illness of any sort is enough for society to decide that your accusation of rape/child sexual abuse is not credible and dismiss your claim.
9. When someone rapes you, people make some decisions about you, or for you.
When someone rapes a person they place them in a vulnerable state. When a man rapes a woman he can get her pregnant.
Some people believe that they ought to decide whether or not she should decide to carry that child term.
In this country, that issue is still controversial. But may we always remember that there is no limitation on empathy. Whatever your beliefs, let us not make victims of one of the most horrific crimes known to humanity, feel like they have committed a crime.
Let us ask ourselves how we can avoid doing that.
How can we help?
Do you know what a woman needs 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, and beyond the crime?
This woman or girl who has been raped? This crime victim?
10. When you tell people that you know, some of them will think that it is your fault.
You see, they don’t see you as someone who “could be raped”.
That happens to “weak, fragile, stupid, women”. Not you.
Not the kind of woman that you are. Certainly not a man.
And so they look for answers. The problem is this comes out as blame.
Why were you there?
What were you wearing?
Why are you always being so grown/adventurous?
“See, this is why I warned you about…..”
11. The minute that you come forward, people around you hit the time clock for you to hurry up and “get over it.” AND, hurry up and forgive.
The benefit of keeping it to yourself is that your healing isn’t rushed along by others. The truth is, healing can take an entire lifetime. Not just emotionally.
Do you know how many Survivors continue to suffer from physical illnesses long into their senior years? You know as a Survivor, I rely on the wisdom of elder Survivors to maintain my growth.
Most if not all of them, suffer gracefully with some sort of illness that experts have validated are directly related to the abusive acts that someone else committed against them.
Migraines, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, mental health illnesses, etc. They have forgiven, they are decades along on their healing journey, and they are all somehow spiritually connected.
Their state has nothing to do with what they are or are not doing.
It has everything to do with the lasting effects of the horrific crime that was committed against them.
13. Because this happened you may lose some relationships.
Some people may never be able to love or care for you in the way that you need. Both people will try. But from this moment on, there will always be a series of misunderstandings.
Wow, the last 3 points are about people you know. This stings. And it really never stops. Does it? It is why you are the last to stop by at the holiday gatherings. Or the first to leave.
So WE suffer.
WE stay silent.
WE heal, but not alone.
This is why Survivors are my favorite people.
They are strength in motion.
The rape is the fault of the rapist.
The long silence from victims, the delay in coming forward, well mostly that is due to the complete disregard, wanton cruelty, and repeat negligence, society has for victims of sexual violence.
