Table of Contents
How rape myths become excuses, silence Survivors, and teach communities to look away
Some lies are told so often that people stop hearing them as lies.
You’ve heard them. I’ve heard them. Some of us heard them before we were old enough to understand what sexual violence was.
“Well, why did she go over there?”
“Why didn’t she scream?”
“He’s always been nice to me.”
“She waited six months to say something?”
And just like that, the conversation changes. Instead of asking what somebody did to a woman, people begin putting her entire life on trial.
Now, isn’t that something?
We can spend hours examining a woman’s clothing, drinking, relationships, and decisions while barely discussing the behavior of the person accused of harming her.
Rape myths do more than misinform people. They can provide cover for sexual violence.
And if we want safer communities for women and girls, we have to learn to recognize these stories when somebody brings them into the room.
1. The Lie That a Woman Must Fight to Prove She Didn’t Consent
Some people imagine sexual assault as a movie scene. A woman screaming, scratching, fighting, running.
But fear doesn’t always work that way.
Sometimes a person freezes. Sometimes she becomes quiet. Sometimes she tries to survive by doing whatever she believes will keep the situation from becoming even more dangerous.
There are Survivors who remember every second of an assault and still wonder why their bodies didn’t respond the way they expected.
Not fighting is not the same thing as agreeing.
And we need to stop measuring a woman’s lack of consent by how much physical punishment she was willing or able to endure.
2. The Lie That Being Somewhere Means Agreeing to Whatever Happens There
“Why was she in his bedroom?”
“Why did she accept the ride?”
“Why did she go back to his apartment?”
Well, perhaps she trusted him.
Imagine that.
Women should be able to accept invitations, visit friends, date, and enjoy themselves without having those ordinary decisions turned into excuses for sexual assault.
A woman can agree to dinner without agreeing to sex. She can agree to kissing without agreeing to intercourse. She can change her mind.
Consent is not something a person collects once and owns forever.
The question is not simply why she was there.
The question is what happened while she was there.
3. The Lie That “Good Men” Don’t Rape
Oh, this one has protected some terrible behavior.
Because everybody knows him.
He coaches Little League. He sings in the choir. He has a beautiful family. He gives generously to charity.
And somebody says, “I’ve known him for twenty years. He would never.”
But knowing somebody publicly does not mean knowing everything about how that person behaves privately.
People can be generous in one part of life and abusive in another. They can be respected at work and frightening at home.
A good reputation is not an investigation.
When communities forget that, they can become more concerned about preserving a man’s standing than examining credible allegations against him.
And sometimes the woman who speaks becomes the person everybody wants to punish.
4. The Lie That Marriage or Dating Creates a Sexual Obligation
There was a time when American law gave husbands extraordinary protection from prosecution for raping their wives.
Think about the assumptions behind that.
A woman could say no, and the law could still treat her husband’s sexual access as something he was entitled to.
Marital rape is now criminalized throughout the United States, although legal provisions and distinctions still vary.
But old beliefs don’t disappear simply because laws change.
Some people still talk as though a wife owes her husband sex. As though a girlfriend who previously consented has surrendered her right to refuse.
A woman’s body does not become community property because she loves somebody.
Marriage should never require a woman to surrender her right to bodily autonomy.
5. The Lie That Drinking Makes a Woman Responsible for Someone Else’s Violence
Here’s something I wish more people would notice.
When a woman has been drinking, some people suddenly become very interested in personal responsibility.
Her responsibility.
They want to know how many drinks she had. Why she was out. Who she was with.
But what about the person who exploited her vulnerability?
Alcohol can affect a person’s capacity to consent. Someone who is incapacitated cannot consent to sexual activity.
The law has specific standards that differ by jurisdiction, but there is a larger principle we should all understand.
Vulnerability is not permission.
We teach children not to steal from somebody simply because that person left a door unlocked.
Surely we can teach adults not to sexually exploit somebody because that person is impaired.
6. The Lie That a Real Survivor Reports Immediately
Some Survivors call the police right away.
Others don’t.
Some tell a friend. Some tell nobody. Some spend years trying to find words for something they never expected to happen.
And then, when they finally speak, somebody asks why they waited.
There are women who fear losing their jobs, housing, children, relationships, or physical safety if they report sexual violence.
Others worry they won’t be believed, especially when the accused person has power or influence.
Delayed reporting alone cannot tell us whether an allegation is true or false.
But a woman should not have to respond to trauma on somebody else’s schedule to be taken seriously.
Justice requires careful attention to evidence, not a fictional script about how every Survivor is supposed to behave.
7. The Lie That Women Routinely Invent Rape Allegations for Attention
False allegations exist. That is why evidence, investigation, and fair procedures are important.
But the assumption that women commonly invent rape allegations for attention is not supported by the research on false reporting.
And we should ask ourselves what kind of attention people imagine a woman receives when she publicly reports sexual violence.
She may be questioned about intimate details of her life. Her reputation may be attacked. She may lose friends, employment opportunities, or community support.
Some Survivors experience threats and harassment.
None of that proves an individual allegation. But it certainly challenges the casual claim that reporting rape is an easy path to admiration.
An allegation deserves to be examined on its evidence, not dismissed because somebody already believes women are dishonest.
What These Seven Lies Have in Common
Have you noticed something?
Nearly every one of these myths gives people a reason to move their attention away from the alleged perpetrator’s conduct.
She didn’t fight enough.
She went to his house.
She drank too much.
She stayed married.
She waited too long.
She isn’t believable.
Meanwhile, the central question gets buried.
Did the person accused engage in sexual activity without consent?
That is the question these myths so often help people avoid.
And there is another question worth asking.
Who benefits when communities become more skilled at interrogating women than recognizing sexual violence?
Not the woman trying to rebuild her life.
Not the little girl watching adults decide which victims deserve sympathy.
Not the Survivor wondering whether speaking will cost her everything.
We Must Stop Teaching Girls to Carry Responsibility for Male Violence
There is nothing wrong with teaching girls safety skills. I have spent years advocating for practical safety education.
But prevention cannot consist entirely of telling girls where not to go, what not to wear, whom not to trust, and how not to behave.
We also have to confront the people who commit sexual violence, the attitudes that excuse it, and the institutions that fail to respond appropriately. We need expectations of safe behavior. We need consistent consequences for being unsafe, abusive, and harmful.
Girls deserve more than an endless list of precautions.
They deserve adults who can recognize manipulation, coercion, intimidation, and abuse without immediately searching for something the victim did wrong.
And Survivors deserve communities that understand a simple distinction.
Learning how to protect yourself is not the same thing as being responsible for somebody else’s decision to harm you.
A Word to the Survivor
You are allowed to question the story.
You are allowed to ask why everyone seems more interested in your decisions than in the actions of the person who harmed you.
You are allowed to reject the idea that you had to be fearless, flawless, sober, loud, physically strong, or immediately ready to report in order to deserve compassion.
You were a human being before the assault.
You remain a human being afterward.
And you do not owe anybody a performance of perfect victimhood.
The truth does not become less important because somebody finds it inconvenient.
One Question to Carry With You
The next time somebody offers an excuse for sexual violence, ask:
“Does this explanation help us understand what happened, or does it help us avoid holding the person who caused the harm accountable?”
That one question can reveal quite a lot.
Because lies and myths can become shields.
And Survivors should not have to spend the rest of their lives fighting through those shields just to be heard.
Sources and Further Reading
- RAINN: Sexual Assault Education and Support
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center
- National Institute of Justice: Sexual Assault Research
- CDC: Sexual Violence Prevention
