For some women, "deadnaming" is a strange concept. Deadnaming is said to be when someone refers to a transgender person by their birth name (the name
For some women, “deadnaming” is a strange concept. Deadnaming is said to be when someone refers to a transgender person by their birth name (the name they no longer use), rather than their chosen name.
Tireless and dedicated women’s advocate Danni Brener brought something to mind for me today.
Women have had to change their lives and identities to escape harm, violence, and torture. BUT, women are also expected to tiptoe around men’s feelings. Yet when women and children are in danger if discovered, there’s been little urgency, little system-wide compassion. As someone who worked directly with courageous women running for their lives, let me break this down:
📢 The Double Standard
- Women are fined or convicted for words, while violent men are excused, released, or monitored loosely.
- Meanwhile, women and children live in hiding — not for “offending,” but simply to stay alive.
- The burden falls on Survivors to disappear, to lose names, families, communities — all because the systems won’t take male violence seriously.
For decades, women in the US fought to be recognized as more than bystanders in their own safety. Out of those hard battles came victim notification systems — programs designed to alert Survivors when a violent offender is moved, released, or escapes custody.
At the state level, many rely on VINE (Victim Information and Notification Everyday), while at the federal level the Department of Justice runs the Victim Notification System (VNS). These programs exist because women and their allies demanded them, often after tragedies where Survivors were blindsided by the sudden return of someone who had vowed to harm them again.
While imperfect and sometimes inconsistent, these systems remain lifelines for countless women and children who deserve the basic right to know when danger is near.
🔔 Victim Notification Systems in the U.S.
VINE (Victim Information and Notification Everyday): Used in many states. Lets victims register to be notified when an offender is released, transferred, or escapes.
Victim Notification System (VNS): Federal level, run by the Department of Justice. Notifies victims of federal offenders’ custody status.
These systems didn’t appear on their own — women fought HARD to make them law. And even then, the information can often come late, incomplete, or in ways that put the burden back on women to run and hide again.
📝 Name Change Laws in the U.S.
Many women change their names to stay safe. But even this comes with hurdles:
Petition to Change Name: Filed in local court.
Publication Requirement: In many states, you must publish the name change in a local newspaper — a huge safety risk for abuse Survivors.
Domestic Violence Exception: Some states allow you to request confidentiality (sealed records) if you prove safety concerns. Judges can waive the newspaper requirement.
Safe at Home / Address Confidentiality Programs: Some states offer programs where women can use a substitute address on public records to shield their real location.
Even with these laws, Survivors often have to beg courts to see them as credible enough to deserve protection.
💔 Living in Exile
There are women on the run, under new names, torn from family who represent a silent crisis. Society does not blink at their suffering because it is normalized that women must sacrifice everything to stay alive. The truth is: it should not be women and children uprooting their lives. It should be violent men losing their freedom.
🌿 Upon Reflection
Why are the requests of men so easily fulfilled? Why do their demands take root so quickly across laws, cultures, and systems, while women and children are told to wait, to beg, to explain?
Men’s requests are easily enforced because the weight of history has trained entire societies to prioritize male comfort over female safety. Globally, women are raised to be the enforcers — to protect men’s reputations, to cushion their feelings, to excuse their violence.
Even in our churches, our courts, and our communities, women are instructed to carry out the punishments against other women who resist.
But think about the contrast:
A man’s identity, however fragile, is quickly adopted, defended, and enforced.
A woman’s cry for safety is debated, delayed, and often dismissed.
The global pattern is not accidental — it is rooted in power. Systems enforce what upholds male authority. And when women and children ask for protection, privacy, or boundaries, those requests are framed as inconvenient, as if their survival is less urgent than maintaining the comfort of men.
This is why a man’s feelings can become law overnight, while a woman must fight for decades just to be notified when her violent abuser is released from prison.
This is why women and children go underground, change names, live in hiding — and no one blinks or lifts a voice to defend them.
And this is why we must continue to tell the truth: the safety of women and children is not secondary. It is sacred.
