The Algorithms Are Watching Him, Too: When Coercive Control Targets Men and Boys

Shame is a prison. Silence is the lock. Technology is the new weapon.

There’s a myth that keeps far too many men trapped:
“If you’re a man, it’s not abuse. It’s just a bad relationship.”
“If you’re a boy, and a girl’s doing it—count yourself lucky.”

“If you didn’t say no out loud, you must’ve meant yes.”

But coercive control doesn’t care about gender.

It doesn’t care how strong someone looks, how quiet they’ve been, or how well they hide their fear.
It just cares about control.

And in the digital age?
Control can be downloaded, shared, tracked, and streamed.

🧠 This Is Not Just About Her. It’s Happening to Him, Too.

We need to start telling the truth:
Men and boys are being abused.
And technology is being used to keep them trapped in silence.

• They are coerced into sharing their GPS through family locator apps, smartwatches, or car software.

• They are pressured or seduced to record intimate acts, only to have those recordings held as blackmail.

• They are being monitored through smart home devices—their movements tracked, their words recorded, their privacy erased.

• They are targeted by social media manipulation: shamed publicly, framed as unstable, or accused of cheating to discredit them.

• Their bank accounts are controlled by partners who hold all the passwords and use spending as a punishment.

• Their phones and cloud accounts are accessed remotely, their messages read, their calendars monitored, their every move tracked.

And yet, they’re often laughed at for naming it.
Mocked for being “too sensitive.”
Shamed for being “used.”
Told that if a woman did it to them, they should feel lucky.
Told that if a man did it, they should fight back.

But coercion isn’t always loud.
Abuse doesn’t always leave marks.
And shame is still shame—no matter whose face it wears.

🔥 “Just Send Me One Video. If You Love Me, You’ll Do It.”

That kind of pressure has become normalized in modern dating.
And for boys and men raised to be open sexually, but closed emotionally—it’s a trap.

• Send me your location.

• Send me that picture.

• Let me see your bank activity.

• Let me in your phone.

• Let me manage your account.

• I just need to know where you are.

If you say no? You’re accused of hiding something.
If you say yes? You’re at the mercy of how they choose to use it.

That’s not intimacy.
That’s surveillance wrapped in romance.

👁️‍🗨️ If You’re a Man or Boy Reading This:

You deserve privacy.
You deserve peace.
You deserve to move through this life without being watched, tracked, or threatened—no matter who you are or who you’re with.

If someone controls you with guilt, manipulates your data, or weaponizes your vulnerability, it’s not your fault.
You were targeted. Not weak. Not broken. Just human.

📣 For the Rest of Us:

• Believe men when they say they feel unsafe—even if they say it with a shrug or a joke.

• Stop assuming abuse only goes one way. (Violence against women is at epidemic levels and ignored on purpose. Intentionally. By powerful men and women we keep handing power to. Still, people who care about the men in their circle may want to listen, gather information, and think critically about the situation and learn how you can support them.)

• Talk to boys early about consent, control, and coercion.

• Teach all young people that digital consent is real consent.

• Stop mocking male pain. It only grows in the dark.

• *Men online who use violence against males as a “gotcha” moment against women and girls are not raising awareness to this issue. They are simply antagonizing victims and stirring up chaos. Authentic problem-solving is an option. 

We are in a new era of abuse—quiet, coded, and increasingly digital.
Let’s not leave our sons, brothers, partners, or friends behind in this fight for safety and freedom.

Because control is control—no matter who holds the device.