We live in a world where speaking out against violence—especially violence against women and children—should be a righteous act. A protected act. A
We live in a world where speaking out against violence—especially violence against women and children—should be a righteous act. A protected act. A respected one.
But too often, it isn’t.
And disturbingly, the same silence that once came from courts, families, schools, faith communities, and other institutions is now echoing inside movements meant to protect us.
It has become almost taboo to question certain forms of justice. Speak up with caution about the failures of restorative or transformative justice, and people will look at you like you’ve questioned compassion itself. Like you’ve said something as unthinkable as being “against healing” or “against the community.”
But this, too, is a silencing.
Survivors are once again being told:
“Don’t be divisive.”
“Don’t ruin someone’s progress.”
“We’re all learning.”
“Let’s not focus on punishment.”
Different words.
Same message: Be quiet. Don’t make things uncomfortable. Protect the group.
It’s the same pattern many of us know too well. The same dance around the truth.
And just like in the outside world, our pain becomes the cost of someone else’s comfort.
But we must say this:
If Survivors can’t speak freely inside justice movements,
then those movements are not safe.
They are not complete.
And they are not just.
Ways movements can mimic other unsafe spaces for Survivors:
1. Rushing Resolution Before Repair
Many alternative justice models focus on restoring harmony to the community—but harmony often gets confused with speed. Survivors are pushed to “talk it out,” “be heard,” and “find closure” before they’ve had a chance to feel safe, grieve, or even fully name what happened.
🔁 Mimicry: Like traditional systems, this becomes another form of emotional bypassing:
“We heard you. Now can we all move on?”
2. Centering the Abuser’s Transformation
In some circles, so much emphasis is placed on the offender’s growth, insight, or redemption that the Survivor’s pain becomes secondary. The focus shifts to whether the abuser is “learning,” “apologizing,” or “getting better”—instead of how the Survivor is doing, surviving, or healing.
🔁 Mimicry: Just like too many other spaces that ask Survivors to accept plea deals to “reform” abusers, this tells women:
“His healing matters more than your hurt.”
3. Social Pressure to Be the ‘Bigger Person’
Alternative justice can unintentionally recreate the old expectation that women must be the moral compass, the peacemaker, the one to “model grace” for everyone else. Survivors may be praised when they agree to participate and shamed if they refuse.
🔁 Mimicry: It’s the same message many women heard growing up:
“Good girls forgive. Angry women are a problem.”
4. Failure to Address Ongoing Risk
Some models prioritize non-punitive responses over actual protection. For example, they may discourage survivors from going to the police even when their lives are in danger, minimizing the reality that some abusers escalate and continue harm—even during a “restorative” process.
🔁 Mimicry: It repeats the old pattern:
“You’re overreacting. He wouldn’t really hurt you.”
5. Silencing in the Name of Community
In tight-knit or activist communities, alternative justice can become another form of self-policing. Women who name harm are told:
“Don’t ruin his future,”
“Don’t divide the movement,”
“Handle this privately.”
🔁 Mimicry: This sounds exactly like what institutions have always done—protect the reputation of the group, not the woman harmed.
See also: Protection of athletes, performers, entertainers, family members, “grandmom’s boy”, “he’s trying to go the military”, “he’s in the military”, “he’s trying to graduate”, “they always picking on him”……
🧠 Survivors Know the Pattern
Even when the language is new—“restorative,” “transformative,” “accountability circles”—the outcome can feel painfully familiar to many Survivors:
The pressure to minimize.
The expectation to educate.
The demand to be gracious.
The silencing dressed up as “healing.”
✊🏾 What SOME Survivors May Need:
Time to process before being asked to participate.
Options—not obligations—to engage.
Boundaries respected, even if it disrupts community flow.
Safety prioritized over image or ideology.
Validation that anger, grief, and distance are part of justice too.
- Plans for safety– just in case things do not go as planned there should be a person(s) to contact and an emergency alternative plan for safety.
Of course, every individual is capable of speaking for themselves.
🔥 Final Truth:
Some people do not stop being violent unless and until you stop them.
That truth shatters my heart in 10 million grieving pieces because the way my joy is set up, I sincerely want every single person to win.
Not everyone wants restoration. Not everyone can afford the prolonged terror campaign while they just try to live, heal, and survive.
Some women just want to be safe.
And that is not only valid—it is sacred.
