Fear is a Gift: Quotes from Gavin de Becker (updated with podcast link)

There are definitely times when we should overcome our fears.

And there are times when we should listen carefully because listening may very well save our lives.

I can think of the countless number of times that I have encountered victims of domestic violence who were in the process of leaving violent relationships.  I often reminded them that though I was there as an advocate to pass on more information to them, they were the experts. 

Their fear, valid and real.

“He said he would kill me.”

“He said he would kill the family.”

“I’m afraid that he will harm the kids.”

No matter who they added to their team-cops, lawyers, advocates, counselors- no one knew their partner, their partner’s moods, preferences, triggers, schedule, etc….like victims of it.

Whenever a woman told me: “I think that he is going to kill me.” I believed her. A unique and individualized safety plan was then developed.

But, that’s my profession. Something I’m passionate about. 

My hope is that we can begin to move to a space where everyday folks get into this mode for women in their lives so that we can save more lives.  Because we all must do more to keep women and children safe. 

Too often, people- even family and friends- make the mistake of accusing a woman or child in fear of being “paranoid”, “dramatic”, or “overreacting.”  And then, that woman or child is gone and it is too late to listen to them.

 Something that we just don’t hear enough:, “I was wrong. I did not listen. I did not do enough to help keep her safe when she told me that she was afraid.” 

If you have not read this book yet please make 2024 the year that you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. 

Each and every woman and every person who cares about a woman ought to read this book from cover to cover. 

Quotes from Gavin de Becker:

 

Here are some of the most well-known quotes and lessons from “The Gift of Fear”:

“I encourage people to remember that “no” is a complete sentence.”

“No” is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you.”

“Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”

“It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different–men and women live in different worlds…at core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them.”

“There’s a lesson in real-life stalking cases that young women can benefit from learning: persistence only proves persistence—it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special—it means he is troubled.”

“Denial is a save now, pay later scheme.”

“If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to them—nine more times than you wanted to.”

“The solution to violence in America is the acceptance of reality”

“Believing that others will react as we would is the single most dangerous myth of intervention.”

“We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning. Like rapport-building, charm and the deceptive smile, unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive.”

“Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn’t so.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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