🚩 Red Flags: When “Allies” Are Really Just Angry at Everything

In advocacy, passion can be magnetic. When someone raises their voice in outrage, it’s easy to mistake it for solidarity. But here’s the nuance: not all anger is created equal.

Some people are angry because they have endured oppression, illness, or deep suffering. Their anger is valid—it’s the cry of survival. It deserves compassion, and it can fuel transformative change.

But others are angry because they need to be against something—anything. They are contrarians by nature, fueled not by empathy but by combat. They can look like allies at first glance, but over time you’ll notice: their “solidarity” costs more than it contributes.

Here are some red flags to watch for when choosing your alliances:

🚩 1. They Rarely Show Empathy

You’ll notice their fight is rarely about someone else’s pain. They don’t pause to feel or to listen. They don’t speak about hearing or listening to others from a community or various communities. Advocacy without empathy is not advocacy—it’s performance.

🚩 2. They Want Your Labor, Not Shared Responsibility

They rally others to action, but rarely carry the work themselves. They expect you to lend your voice, your body, your time—but seldom step up in a way that risks their own comfort. I have had more than one frustrated person that didn’t look like me say: “C’mon Tonya you gotta get this.” That’s when I knew it was time to be done.

The person(s) I thought was listening wasn’t listening. They just wanted me to see things their way so that I could provide time, labor, energy and resources to something that they cared about it more than listening to people I was connected to. 

🚩 3. They Can’t See Beyond Their Own Culture

Healthy advocacy requires respect for the complexity of cultures, histories, ways of being, and perspectives. Not every cultural difference is a matter of “right” or “wrong.” Some things call for confrontation, but many call for listening. The contrarian refuses both—they flatten every culture to fit their fight.

🚩 4. They Rewrite History to Fit the Battle

It is wise to confront history with honesty and respect. But beware of those who weaponize history only to stir conflict, without care for truth or healing. They cherry-pick the past to inflame anger, not to build understanding.

🚩 5. They Mistake Negativity for Depth

These “allies” believe constant criticism makes them insightful. But true insight comes with compassion—the ability to recognize suffering and still imagine something better. If they cannot imagine better, they will never build better.

🚩 6. Survivors Disappear in Their Noise

You’ll notice that Survivors, elders, and those most impacted often get lost in their shouting. Real allies amplify voices that systems have silenced. Contrarians drown them out.

It is really easy to slip into becoming this person. Balance is so important. Not just important, life-saving. Living as the person I described in the beginning of this post can be harmful to your health.

May we all be inspired by the social worker that I met on my career journey who reclaimed herself.

*Diane was a gorgeous and accomplished woman a master’s degree. But when I met her she was working a job that did not take nearly as much effort as her experience and education.  She was working just enough to pay her bills and save her life. She had worked so hard and passionately that the slightest bit of stress sent her to the emergency room with excruciating and intense migraines. They knew her there. 

Now, this stunningly gorgeous and well-dressed woman was taking life more slowly. Getting to know herself again. Figuring out what made her genuinely smile.

✅ Takeaway
I respect anger. Anger has its place. It can be sacred. Anger is written as a teaching in sacred texts. It can be a spark for change. But when anger loses empathy, respect, and vision, it becomes a weapon turned on everyone—including those it claims to defend.

As an advocate, keep observing. Choose alliances not only by the volume of someone’s outrage but by the quality of their compassion, the depth of their respect, and their willingness to share in the labor of justice.

🔍 12 Critical Thinking Questions for Choosing Advocacy Allies Wisely

1. Do they do things for joy or fun outside of activism?
   (People fueled only by outrage may lack balance and compassion.)

2. What do they read, watch, or listen to?
   (Diverse, thoughtful sources—or only material that fuels their anger?)

3. Can they enjoy activities with a cross-section of people without using them as props to “prove” something?
   (Genuine connection vs. performative diversity.)

4. When confronted with another culture’s perspective, do they show respect—even when they disagree?
   (Respect doesn’t mean agreement; it means listening with care.)

5. Do they ever admit when they’re wrong or when they don’t know something?
   (Humility is a sign of true learning; contrarians rarely show it.)

6. Do they show empathy for individuals, not just abstract groups?
   (It may be easier to rage at “systems” than to sit with someone’s pain.)

7. Do they balance critique with vision?
   (Are they building toward something, or only tearing things down?)

8. How do they treat Survivors who speak in ways that don’t match their script?
   (Do they silence, shame, or dismiss them—or make space for real voices?)

9. Do they have safe, trusted relationships outside of activism?
   (Or do they cycle through people quickly, leaving conflict behind?)

10. When they share history, do they use it for truth and healing—or only as a weapon?
    (History deserves reverence, not manipulation.)

11. Do they respect boundaries—time, space, privacy—or demand constant access and energy?
    (Advocacy without boundaries drains movements.)

12. Do they laugh, rest, and celebrate victories—or only thrive when there’s a battle?
    (Joy is part of resilience. If they can’t find it, they may not sustain justice work long-term.)

✨ Why these questions matter:
Critical thinking in advocacy isn’t about distrusting everyone. It’s about noticing patterns—who brings healing and who brings only heat. Some people fight because they want liberation. Others fight because they don’t know how to live without conflict.