🔥 “Why Does My Safety Offend You?” — When Women Ask for Boundaries and Other Women Dare to Try to Shut Us Down

“Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn’t so.”

Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

There’s a moment I recently revisited a long abandoned space to pick up some things. As a stealth online early adopter, I’ve long become used to the cycle of finding a great space before the crowd shows up. Once everyone finds it and brings everything the world offers, I’m off to quietly discover new spaces.

So at the end of my time in this particular space, it so happened that when my health was declining. Tired of that stubbornly idiotic “get over it” rhetoric thrown at Survivors, I’ve chosen to share that this is due to chronic trauma-related health issues. 

That season, I wrote about women. About safety.
About the quiet, everyday boundaries our spirits know we need.(or tried to. Turns out, I was a lot sicker than I realized so it was not my best piece.)

Indicative of the climate change, the comment section crumped and grunted in that familiar way that has always drowned out the voices of women. 

 The hostility rose. Sharp words. Mockery. Dismissal.

Faux mean-girl energy —
as usual, it was used in defense of protecting men’s comfort, not women’s safety.

Not thoughtful discussion.
Not curiosity.
It was women — piling on other women asserting our rights and having the audacity to set boundaries.

Most responded with the same questions copied and pasted like a script someone handed them. One of the commenters even suggested I go to a page that sounded…adult in nature. A space where men invade women’s spaces while they are undressed frequently and others get a ‘tickle’ out of it. I stopped reading the rest of the comments. Contamination.

Then along came a more senior woman. She said she had traveled the world for sixty years and had never once encountered a man invading women’s spaces. The unsaid message hung in the air:

“If it didn’t happen to me, it didn’t happen.”
“Your fear is exaggerated.”

“YOU, do not get to say no.”
“Stop talking.”

It wasn’t her story that gave me pause. It was the tone. Cold. Final. Meant to slam the door.

Meanwhile… women started whispering their truth in the cracks of other spaces online where I and other Survivors might be found:

“I’ve had something like this happen.”
“I didn’t feel safe either.”
“I thought it was just me.”

That’s when my body returned me to age old knowing:

This space isn’t for truth.
This space is for policing women back into the crevices of silence and submission.

And I stepped away. Stifling and trifling? Nope.

Womanhood is divine. When one natural chapter closes, other women you may never encounter again usually show up like a light to point you in other directions. 

Because here’s what I know, after years of Survivor’s wisdom through their own stories, trauma, and hard-earned clarity:

Some people become FURIOUS and filled with rage when women talk about boundaries.

Not because we are wrong, although that’s exactly what they will report.

But because admitting the danger exists means something inside them must finally wake up.

For some women, acknowledging risk means:

• • the world stops feeling predictable
  • the myths they were raised on crack open
  • their carefully curated peace gets disturbed

So rather than face fear,
they may attack the woman who names it.

For others, it could be about identity.

They were raised — trained — conditioned:

Be pleasant. Gentile.
Be accommodating. 
Don’t “make accusations.”
Don’t make men and boys uncomfortable in their world. (Scramble the words and titles all you want but you can’t confuse us all.)

When another woman says:

“I deserve to feel safe here,”

it threatens a role they’ve been praised for playing their entire lives. (or want to be)

And still — that does not make them right. A while ago, their “why” faded, and my “why” slowly found its rightful place.

Because here is the truth, spoken plainly:

Women and girls do not have to apologize for wanting safety.

I have the right to stand firm on behalf of my safety and tell any man “no” and any woman shielding a man, “no” too. 

We are allowed to say:

“This doesn’t feel right.”
“I want privacy.”
“My intuition is telling me something.”

We are allowed to have boundaries without being labeled dramatic, divisive, paranoid, hateful, or unreasonable.

Some women will defend male comfort harder than they defend their own dignity. That’s their choice. 

But your courage to stand by what you know to be true does not make you the problem.

Silencing you is a problem.
Minimizing you is a problem.
Mocking Survivors is a problem.
Turning women’s real fears into debate props is a problem.

Boundaries are not cruelty. Folks will be fine. Or not, but the boundaries stay. 
Awareness is not hysteria.
Wanting safety is not selfishness.

I have walked long roads with Survivors. The honor in that, I just don’t have adequate words for. I do not believe they exist.
 I have been able to witness from both the inside and the outside, how silence eats at the soul until even you don’t recognize you. 

So here is where I stand:

I will not debate women out of their intuition.
I will not shame women for wanting limits.
I will not pretend danger disappears just because someone else says they’ve never seen it.

If your anger rises when another woman seeks safety,
that anger is not her burden to carry.

We didn’t steal any space or opportunity from anyone.

We simply stopped sacrificing our silence.

And once a woman stops handing over her silence,
she becomes harder to control than any system ever planned for.

Let that be the conversation we have now.

Not tearing each other apart —
but telling the truth, so our daughters inherit something healthier than denial. 

I will only be disappointed if the generations behind us are still having this exact same conversation all over again. I hope they get to build something better.

Keep building and creating new spaces for Survivors. Whether we call them this or not, the world is in dire need of more. We deserve a variety of spaces that do not recreate the mental and physical bondage we courageously survive. Create individual spaces with boundaries where all people can thrive….at the same time. Because this pushing women to the side so men can play and be naughty if they want, I guess…some of us are still tending to the scars from that. 

Whether my safety offends you or not, I will continue to keep fighting for mine and for others who are genuinely vulnerable. 

A Checklist for Anyone Claiming to Care About Women and Children’s Safety

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