Teen dating abuse is not “drama.”It is not “kids being kids.” It is a pattern of control, coercion, and harm that shows up in homes, schools,
Teen dating abuse is not “drama.”
Photo by cottonbro studio
It is not “kids being kids.”
It is a pattern of control, coercion, and harm that shows up in homes, schools, phones, group chats, and hallways.
And it is far more prevalent than many adults want to believe.
The prevalence, in plain language
Here are three grounded ways to understand how widespread teen dating abuse is:
A significant share of teens experience dating violence.
Elizabeth City State University notes that “up to 19% of teens experience sexual or physical dating violence” and that about half face stalking or harassment (citing the American Psychological Association).National CDC data shows dating violence is a regular part of many students’ lives.
In the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS) analysis for 2021, 8.5% of high school students reported physical teen dating violence and 9.7% reported sexual teen dating violence (among students who dated in the past year).This is not a “past problem.” It is actively tracked as a current one.
The National Institute of Justice (NIJ) highlights CDC YRBS findings for 2023, noting sexual dating violence was lower than in 2013, while physical dating violence remained unchanged.
Takeaway: Teen dating abuse is prevalent enough that every school community should assume it is present, even when it is not being reported.
Why it can be so hard for teens to tell
Teens often do not report abuse because:
- They fear losing their phone or their freedom.
- They think adults will shame them, blame them, or say “I told you so.”
- They worry they will be pulled into school discipline instead of being protected.
- They believe what is happening is “normal,” because they have seen it modeled.
This is why we cannot wait for a disclosure before we act.
Prevention is what love looks like when you are responsible for young people.
Dr. Carolyn West names something many Survivors recognize immediately:
“All of these things converge to entrap women…”
Her point is bigger than one household. Harm can stack up across:
home life
school climate
community violence
workplace pressures (for older teens)
social media humiliation
institutional indifference
And Dr. Beth E. Richie has long warned about how “help” can get routed into systems that do not actually protect:
“…the anti-violence movement…had aligned itself with the criminal legal system.”
For teen dating abuse, that means we need more than punishment talk.
We need prevention, protection, dignity, and real pathways to safety.
What safe adults can do this week
1) Teach “green flags” as clearly as red flags
Give teens language for what healthy feels like:
“You can say no and still be loved.”
“You don’t have to prove loyalty with access to your body or your phone.”
“A caring partner does not punish you for having friends.”
2) Make disclosure easier than silence
Try:
“If something ever feels off, you can tell me. I will stay calm.”
“You won’t be in trouble for telling the truth.”
“We can take the next step together.”
3) Treat digital abuse as real abuse
If someone is threatening to share images, demanding passwords, or tracking location, treat it as serious, not as teen drama.
4) Build a simple “exit plan” with teens
Not a scary lecture. A practical plan:
Who can you text if you feel unsafe?
What’s a code word you can send?
Where can you go after school?
What adult at school is actually safe?
If a teen is reading this and feels uneasy
If you feel like you have to shrink to keep someone calm, that is not love.
If you are walking on eggshells, that is your wisdom speaking.
You deserve a relationship that does not require fear to function.
Help and support
In immediate danger, call local emergency services.
If you’re in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help with options and safety planning.