Our nervous system doesn't comprehend "forgive & forget." We can try to not think about trauma that happened to us-- but then we end up
Every survivor carries their journey within their own body, mind, and soul, and the process of healing unfolds uniquely for each person. The truth is that healing takes as long as it takes, which is valid and powerful.
“The abuser is dead; you should move on.”
- Reality: Healing doesn’t depend on the abuser’s existence. Pain from abuse is rooted in the trauma that survivors carry in their minds, bodies, and souls. Healing is a journey, not tied to the abuser’s mortality.
“You left the relationship; it’s over now.”
- Reality: Leaving is just the beginning. Emotional scars, trust issues, and the long process of rebuilding a sense of safety don’t vanish with physical separation.
“It happened years ago; you should be over it by now.”
- Reality: Trauma doesn’t adhere to timelines. Each survivor processes pain at their own pace, and healing can be nonlinear.
“You have a new partner; that should make you happy now.”
- Reality: New relationships don’t erase past trauma. Survivors may still carry emotional triggers, fear, and self-doubt into new dynamics.
“You’re in therapy, so you should be healed by now.”
- Reality: Therapy is a tool, not a quick fix. Healing is layered and deeply personal, requiring time, effort, and patience.
“The abuse wasn’t that bad compared to others.”
- Reality: Pain is not a competition. Each survivor’s experience is valid, and comparing trauma only deepens harm.
“You forgave them, so why are you still upset?”
- Reality: Forgiveness, if chosen, is for the survivor’s peace, not a shortcut to erasing trauma. Pain and forgiveness can coexist.
“You didn’t leave when it started, so that’s on you.”
- Reality: Survival choices are complex. Blaming survivors for staying ignores the fear, manipulation, and systemic barriers that often trap them.
“You’re successful now; why dwell on the past?”
- Reality: Achievements don’t erase trauma. Pain can linger regardless of external success, requiring acknowledgment and care.
“They apologized; shouldn’t you let it go?”
- Reality: Apologies don’t undo harm. Healing is about addressing internal wounds, not absolving the abuser.
“You weren’t physically hurt; it was just emotional abuse.”
- Reality: Emotional abuse is deeply damaging. Invisible wounds can cut just as deeply as physical ones.
“You were a child; you don’t even remember most of it.”
- Reality: Childhood trauma often shapes adult beliefs, behaviors, and emotional patterns. The body remembers even when the mind cannot.
“At least you’re alive; focus on that.”
- Reality: Surviving abuse is just one part of the story. Survivors deserve more than survival; they deserve thriving, peace, and joy.
“You’re strong; you should be able to handle this.”
- Reality: Strength doesn’t mean invulnerability. Even the strongest survivors deserve support and compassion as they heal.
“It’s in the past; you’re safe now.”
- Reality: Feeling safe externally doesn’t mean feeling safe internally. The journey to inner peace takes time and care.
“You have kids to focus on; don’t dwell on it.”
- Reality: Parenting while healing is incredibly complex. Survivors need space to process their pain to be fully present for their children.
“You’re just being dramatic; it wasn’t abuse.”
- Reality: Gaslighting survivors about their experiences deepens harm. Abuse is defined by its impact, not others’ opinions.
“You stayed for so long; it must not have been that bad.”
- Reality: Staying is often about survival, not acceptance. Survivors deserve compassion, not judgment, for their choices.
“You’re a public advocate now; doesn’t that mean you’re over it?”
- Reality: Advocacy often comes from lived experience, but it doesn’t mean complete healing. Helping others doesn’t eliminate personal pain.
“You can’t change the past, so just let it go.”
- Reality: Healing isn’t about erasing the past but integrating it into a healthier, empowered present. Survivors have the right to take all the time they need.
Healing is Strength
Survivors are not bound by anyone else’s timelines or expectations. Healing is a deeply personal, sacred, and non-linear process. Every step forward is a victory, and their pain, resilience, and progress deserve recognition and respect.
COMMENTS