🛑 When “Being Nice” Becomes Dangerous: Reclaiming Boundaries After Trauma

The Very Idea For years, people walked all over my boundaries. And I let them. Not because I didn’t care.Not because I wanted mistreatment. I l

The Very Idea

For years, people walked all over my boundaries.

And I let them.

Not because I didn’t care.
Not because I wanted mistreatment.

I let them because I didn’t even know what a boundary was.

I understood fences around land.
I understood locks on buildings.

But people?

Personal space. Emotional space. Spiritual space.

No one ever told me I was entitled to any of that.

And when I finally learned…

Well. I’ll be.

💔 Where the Wound Begins

For me, the root was surviving sexual violence.

Abuse has a strategy.

It trains Survivors — slowly or suddenly — to lower their guard, ignore their warning signs, and question their own needs.

By the time it’s over, the danger may be gone…

But the injury remains.

We walk around bleeding — until someone finally names it.
Until we begin rebuilding what was taken apart.

🥀 Domestic Violence Does the Same Thing

People ask, “Why didn’t they leave?”

A better question is:

“Why does the abuser abuse?”

Because when someone finally tries to leave, they are no longer the person who walked into that relationship.

“Because of the damage the abuser has done, the person leaving is not the person who came in.”
— Tonya GJ Prince

🧠 More Than Trauma

My lack of boundaries wasn’t only about survival.

I was also a woman raised on “be nice” culture:

Smile.
Don’t make trouble.
Shrink yourself to keep the peace.

I eventually divorced “nice.”

For safety reasons.

🧸 Childhood: Where Silence Begins

Some of us grew up in homes where:

feelings were “disrespectful”
questions were punished
children existed to keep the peace

No one showed us how to build a gate — let alone close it.

🧱 Race & Resistance

And as a Black woman, setting boundaries has often been labeled:

“Attitude.”
“Difficult.”
“Too much.”

I’ve learned to shrug.

That “attitude” , at least as you define it only because a woman is wearing it, is me protecting sacred ground.

🚪 Gate Check: Don’t Expect Applause

Boundaries are powerful — and they can be lonely.

Some people will accuse you.
Some will mock your growth.
Some will miss the version of you with no door.

Let them go.

Like dead leaves in fall.
Like a heavy coat in spring.

🌱 Boundaries Aren’t Walls — They’re Doors

Doors you open with wisdom.
Gates you close with love.

They are not cruelty.

They are protection.

And Survivors deserve protected, sacred ground.

If you’re learning boundaries, you are not behind.
You’re rebuilding. Courageously. In your own time.