The internet will have you believe something very simple and very cruel, and in my view, is rooted in misogyny: If younger people cut you off, it m
The internet will have you believe something very simple and very cruel, and in my view, is rooted in misogyny:
If younger people cut you off, it must be your fault.
If a relationship with your adult child is strained, you must have failed.
If a younger person is angry, the story ends with your apology and your sacrifice.
Most of that conversation is written by and for younger folks.
It often leaves out mental health struggles, addiction, violence, entitlement, and clashing expectations across generations. It rarely looks hard at the rising rates of harm against older people, especially older women.
And it almost never says this out loud:
Older women are allowed to protect ourselves.
We are allowed to choose safety over access.
We are not emotional vending machines for younger generations.
A generous woman, an unsafe outcome
Catherine Davis was 81 years old. She opened her home in Los Feliz, known as the “Writer’s Villa,” to struggling artists, actors, and writers. She was known for her kindness to creatives and her love of animals. Facebook+1
Johnny Lewis was one of those younger people. When his life unraveled — legal trouble, possible mental health concerns, instability — he ended up back at her house.
She did what many older women are praised for doing:
she extended grace. She gave him shelter. She believed in second chances.
And according to investigators and public reports, on September 26, 2012, Johnny Lewis beat Catherine Davis to death and was later found dead himself after a fall from the property. Investigation Discovery+1
Her generosity was real.
So was the danger.
This is not about blaming her.
It’s about naming the pressure many older women are under to:
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take people in,
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overlook red flags,
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and keep giving, even when our bodies, savings, and peace are on the line.
The internet won’t tell you this, but the numbers do
The stories we see online often center younger people’s hurt and anger. But when you look at the data, another story rises:
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Globally, about 1 in 6 people aged 60 and over experience some form of abuse each year in community settings. World Health Organization+1
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In the U.S., estimates suggest around 1 in 10 older adults have experienced elder abuse — and during the pandemic, one study found it rose to 1 in 5. National Council on Aging+1
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Financial exploitation is massive. Seniors in the U.S. lose tens of billions of dollars every year to scams and financial abuse — including from people they know. First Utah Bank+1
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Research shows family members are often the largest group of perpetrators in elder financial exploitation. One study estimated that about 5.2% of older adults had been financially exploited by family. PMC
So while the internet is busy telling older women,
“Fix yourself, give more, apologize more,”
the reality is:
Older women are in real danger of being overused, exploited, and harmed — sometimes by the very people demanding more access, more money, more emotional labor.
Estrangement, blame, and the missing pieces
Are there parents who caused harm? Absolutely.
There are older people who never apologized if they harmed their children, and never tried.
But that’s not the whole picture.
Estrangement and tension between generations can also grow from:
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Untreated mental health issues in younger or older family members
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Addiction
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Personality disorders, untreated trauma, or violent behavior
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Very different expectations of what “support” should look like
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Unspoken belief that older women exist to subsidize everyone else’s life
- Misogyny
Online, you’ll see a lot of:
“Cut off your toxic parents.”
“If they can’t meet every emotional need, walk away.”“Older people will not throw holiday gatherings anymore. Slackers.”
“Older women are supporters of abusers” (Silence when advocates we point out that they aren’t immune)
According to a global-overview study, among women who have recently been in relationships, those aged 15–24 report among the highest rates of intimate partner violence. World Health Organization+1)
A 2023 study found that in the U.S. (and likely elsewhere), the 18–24 age group had the highest “latent mean” of psychological and physical intimate partner violence, while those 25–34 had the highest for sexual violence. PubMed
You will see far less of:
“Take mental illness and addiction seriously.”
“Protect your elders from being drained, manipulated, or endangered.”
“Ask whether your expectations are even humanly possible for them.”
And almost none of:
“Older women, here is how to protect your body, your home, your savings, and your peace.”
How this pressure shows up in real life
If you’re an older woman, you may have already felt:
Being expected to house younger adults with serious problems — no timeline, no boundaries, no safety plan.
Being nudged (or guilted) into co-signing loans, buying cars, paying tuition, or funding lifestyles that are way beyond your comfort zone.
Being told that if you say no, you’re selfish, unloving, or “stuck in your ways.”
Seeing advertisements for high-ticket items aimed at your guilt and love — not your actual safety or financial reality.
All of this can push older women toward decisions that undermine our safety, emotionally and physically:
Letting people into our homes when we feel uneasy
Ignoring instincts about volatility, drug use, or violence
Draining retirement savings to “hold the family together”
Staying quiet about discomfort, verbal abuse, threats, or intimidation because “at least they’re still talking to me”
This is not selfish: it’s survival
The world has taught women — especially older women — that we must be endlessly nurturing, endlessly available, endlessly forgiving. That we must:
take every phone call,
open every door,
hand over every spare dollar,
absorb every outburst,
and call it “love.”
But the truth is simple and non-negotiable:
You are not required to risk your safety to prove your love.
You are not required to finance other people’s lives to earn respect.
You are not required to ignore your fear so no one calls you selfish.Catherine Davis’s life tells a beautiful story about generosity.
Her death reminds us that generosity, without boundaries, can put us in harm’s way.Both truths live side by side.
Questions for older women to ask themselves
Before you open your door, your wallet, or your heart wider, you can quietly ask:
Have I seen signs of violence, rage, substance abuse, or cruelty — even once?
If I say “no” or “not right now,” do they respect it? Or punish me for it?
Is this request about genuine need — or about lifestyle, image, or comfort?
If something went wrong, who would protect me? Who would believe me?
Your unease is data. Your fatigue is data. Your fear is data.
Older women, especially, have earned the right to honor those signals.
A word to my elders, from a place of love
To every older woman reading this:
You have already given so much.
You are allowed to spend your money on your healing, your rest, your joy.
You are allowed to prefer peace over chaos, safety over access, quiet over constant crisis.
Loving younger people does not mean endangering yourself for them.
You can care. You can help. You can pray, you can hope, you can support from a distance if that’s what keeps you safe.
But you also get to lock your doors.
You get to guard your passwords.
You get to say, “I love you. That’s my limit.”Catherine Davis will be remembered for her kindness, her open door, her love for artists and animals.
We honor her best not by blaming her, but by learning from the cost she paid.Older women:
Your life is not an afterthought.
Your safety is not optional.
Your story matters just as much as anyone who comes after you.And you deserve to live the rest of your days in dignity, protection, and deep, unapologetic peace.