“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” — Zora Neale HurstonAnd see, I think about things like this when I t
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” — Zora Neale Hurston
And see, I think about things like this when I think about a longtime mutual social media follower (we have since blocked each other) who got pretty upset with me that I disagreed with her that men should not be in closed circle discussions about female reproductive issues. For what?
I posted something like: “No uterus no opinion.” That’s way back OG. The women who mentored me were all about this way of thinking. That night I really was thinking about them. Feeling nostalgic. And tired of men discussing body parts they don’t have so the conversation sounds off key.
The OG phrase speaks truth. It’s just meant to say, women got this. Conservative women, liberal women, and every woman in between are perfectly capable of coming up with solutions for our own bodies. Men need not concern themselves with our bodies and are free to find solutions to other problems in this world.
Anyway, I explained that I facilitate groups. I’m trained to do it. I have experience doing it with a lot of different populations and settings.
- Groups only work when participants feel safe to speak openly.
- Extra or “unnecessary” people create suspicion and silence. Remember you are aiding in unearthing long-held thoughts and beliefs about self to the surface.
- Each additional person is another point of risk for private stories being shared outside the group. (people who genuinely share similar obstacles & pain points tend to be very protective of one another-think AA. )
- A spouse, authority figure, unrelated professional, or extraneous person, can shift the power balance and make others feel monitored.
- Groups work best when everyone is there for the same purpose.
- “Observers” dilute the focus and can derail conversations.
- A well-facilitated group is a protected circle. Anyone who isn’t necessary to that circle doesn’t belong there.
- Never underestimate how good some people become at feeling out “genuineness” and “authenticity”. For most people that walk into a healing group, it is how they have survived.
A women’s support or action group is not babysitting time for people wanting nurturing, explanation, and attention from women.
I’m also a female and I’m not interested in male opinions on this issue. Just like they probably aren’t interested in our opinions if there were ever laws made around their parts.
If men do not have the parts, what are they there for? As if women do not have our own brains and aren’t capable of coming up with solutions? By the end she called me hateful because in her mind there’s a category of men that should be there. The men who proclaim to identify as women. I don’t agree.
Because we could do that all day. If we’re going according to men’s belief, that means Christian, Muslim and other males will believe their way in too. (You think I’m new to this? I’ve told a few stories but keep listening to women. Many of us have stories around helping women escape toxic and abuse relationships. I try to just let people live safely. )
I don’t know how old some of you are, where you live, or how often you go to the gynecologist but some women do not attend without being accompanied by their husbands for faith and cultural reasons. Pregnant or not.
*Disclaimer: I have no issue with this at the gynecologist. It ain’t my business. I mind the business that I am there for.
I’m just pointing out that anyone can believe their way into a space.
🌙 Religious & Cultural Reasons
Modesty Beliefs
In certain faith traditions (e.g., conservative branches of Islam, Orthodox Judaism, or some Christian groups), modesty rules may discourage a woman from being alone with a male doctor. A husband’s presence is seen as a safeguard.
Guardianship Norms
In some communities, especially where women’s autonomy is more restricted, a husband (or male guardian) is expected to accompany the woman to medical visits and sometimes even make final decisions about care.
Trust & Support
For some couples, it’s less about restriction and more about shared faith practice. A husband may attend simply to support his wife, pray with her, or help her feel more comfortable in a setting considered sensitive.
Language & Advocacy
In immigrant or traditional households, a husband might come along to translate, communicate with the doctor, or act as an advocate if the woman prefers that dynamic.
So when I said “no uterus no opinion” I meant it. If you want to start a group for women + a man/men to discuss women’s reproductive rights fine. Or just men discussing reproductive rights (like law makers do), fine. As the song says: “Do it till you’re satisfied“
But women who want to have a group exclusively for women are not hateful. It is healing. It is clarifying. It is on point, necessary, and informed from a source of lived experience. And while we are there we need facilities in well lit areas that can accommodate women who are differently abled, equipment for the visually impaired, translators, sign language interpreters, safe transportation services that fits all needs, and paid female culturally fluent licensed facilitators (ideally LCSW, psychologist, or a trained peer facilitator). If it is a think tank or task force then a paid female culturally fluent facilitator.
That’s inclusion and diversity support for women.
*Note: While she and I were debating a random man inserted himself into the debate.
Because: “he has a female friend who was born without a uterus”. I didn’t engage him because I didn’t buy it. The same men are nowhere to be found during discussions about the dire need for funding for childcare, education, housing, transportation and other services for women.
(Surely men have female friends with these needs too or who once had them, especially due to a toxic relationship but they aren’t circling these conversations with tangible solutions. And better yet, not calling/writing political leaders advocating for them in large enough numbers.)
When lawmakers fund these life necessities you allow women and their families to safely leave relationships, gain new skills (just so she change fields if that is safer), relocate, heal.
So I ignored the man fighting for men to be in the circle where women are discussing bodies. I blocked him too.
As for those men concerned with protecting innocent life:
Femicides around the world are rising
Domestic Violence is Rising and Services Can’t Keep Up
We fear loss when we speak truth that challenges silence and oppression, but actually we gain clarity, self-respect, healing and alignment.
