There is a myth we’ve built—quietly, collectively—that some men are simply too “gentle” to harm anyone. And in that myth, gay, bisexual and other men
There is a myth we’ve built—quietly, collectively—that some men are simply too “gentle” to harm anyone. And in that myth, gay, bisexual and other men have often been placed into a soft, pastel-colored box labeled safe without ever being asked who they really are as whole human beings.
Photo by Satyam Pathak
I want to say this with compassion and clarity:
Gay, bisexual and other men have lives bigger than sex, richer than stereotypes.
They are brothers, sons, partners, neighbors, creators—fully formed human beings with joy, heartbreak, purpose, and complexity.
But being seen as “gentle” should never grant any group an automatic innocence that silences Survivors.
Because some gay and bisexual men have raped others—women, boys, and yes sometimes men. Physically strong men.
Not because of their orientation.
But because sexual violence is about power, not desire.
And when we deny that truth, we deny victims the right to speak.
I am not here to demonize anyone.
I am here to free the voices that are buried under our assumptions. No one deserves that.
📚 Let’s ground this in truth: public cases exist.
This is not theory.
This is not accusation without record.
These are verified, documented cases:
• People v. Justin Schneider (Alaska)
A married man who identified primarily as bisexual assaulted a woman after offering her a ride. He admitted the assault. The court record is public.
• United States v. Wilfredo “Freddie” Mercado (Federal case)
A man known in LGBTQ spaces as gay was convicted of trafficking and raping girls. A federal conviction is public record.
• The Case of Euan Sutherland (Scotland)
A self-identified gay man convicted of raping a woman. The judge noted his orientation but reminded the public that sexual violence is not stopped by identity.
And there are many women from mixed-orientation marriages who have testified—under oath, in court—about sexual violence from husbands who later identified as gay or bisexual.
None of these cases say anything about the morality or worth of gay men as a whole. Their historic and contributions can never be denied. They stand as honorably and proudly as they are.
It makes it more urgent for all of us to build our courage.
We cannot afford illusions—not when victims are still suffering.
**✨ We do not challenge these myths to harm.
We challenge them to heal.
To widen our vision.
To honor the stories that were never believed.**
When we cling to the idea that “gay or bisexual men don’t rape women,” we are not protecting gay men.
We are protecting predators—gay or straight—who hide behind that myth.
Survivors do not benefit from our discomfort.
They benefit from our courage.
**✨ Victims deserve the voice they were denied.
They deserve ears that can finally hear them.**
Every time a person says,
“I don’t believe he could do that—he’s gay,”
a door slams shut on a victim’s truth.
We must stop closing doors.
We must stop deciding who “looks like” a predator and who doesn’t.
We must stop imagining that violence only comes in certain shapes, certain faces, certain identities.
Predators don’t come with labels.
Victims don’t come with perfect stories.
And healing does not come from denial.
**✨ Listening is an act of protection.
Listening is an act of community.
Listening is how we watch over children.**
Whether the victim is a woman in a mixed-orientation marriage…
or a girl harmed by a man her community praised…
or a boy who still hasn’t found the right words…
or a man carrying trauma his whole life…
Our job is to listen.
Sexual violence does not care about category, identity, or orientation.
It cares about opportunity.
It cares about silence.
It cares about who the world will protect—and who it will not.
So we end the silence.
We break the illusion.
We invite the full truth into the room.
With compassion.
With purpose.
With a commitment to children, Survivors, and communities that heal instead of hide.
This is how we begin to make things right.
One truth at a time.
One voice at a time.
One courageous conversation at a time.
**As I’ve mentioned, I have volunteered on an online chat hotline. It was a different experience than the voice hotline. When men felt safer chatting with a female advocate who couldn’t hear their voice or see them, there was a more open and honest disclosure. I wasn’t ready for that. Professionally? Absolutely. I have worked person to person with men in the capacity of service before. Not a large number, but some. And filling in the gaps in visual media with books for a long time.
Still, I …did not know that so many men were surviving sexual violence at the hands and of other men. There were so many layers of pain. And a lot of anger, rage, substance use to cope. When that was “recovered away” (as one dude in my life put it), back to rage.
So yeah, I see the need for change, courage, and healing because we are all connected to one another on this planet.