“If his change requires your suffering to prove it, it isn’t change — it’s another performance.” — WeSurviveAbuse.com Somehow, we allowed ourselve
Apollo Theater marque In Memory of Eartha Kitt 1927-2008
“If his change requires your suffering to prove it, it isn’t change — it’s another performance.”
— WeSurviveAbuse.com
Somehow, we allowed ourselves to believe that when a man says he’s “changed,” women are the ones who should get to work — proving it, supporting it, forgiving it, managing it.
We become the validators, the witnesses, the ones expected to lay down our fear and pick up faith on command.
But that’s not change. That’s delegation.
Real change is a process of accountability, not applause. It’s the quiet, daily work of the person who caused harm, not the emotional labor of the person who survived it.
When men claim transformation, too often the world hands women a new assignment:
Help him stay on the right path.
Believe him before he’s earned it.
Don’t bring up the past — it might discourage him.
Pretend you’re safe — it’ll help him become who he says he is.
But healing doesn’t work that way.
A man’s transformation should lighten the load on women, not add to it.
If his “growth” demands your labor, your silence, or your safety, it isn’t growth — it’s another version of control wearing new language.
Women are not spiritual rehabilitation centers.
We are not proof of anyone’s redemption story.
If change is real, it will show up in action, not expectation.
If repentance is real, it won’t require your exhaustion to sustain it.
Real change frees women.
False change recruits them.
🌿 Affirmations: “His Change Is His Work”
🖤 His change is his work. My peace is mine.
🖤 I am not responsible for proving that someone has changed.
🖤 I do not owe anyone my silence for their comfort.
🖤 My boundaries are not obstacles — they are evidence of my wisdom.
🖤 A man’s redemption does not depend on my forgiveness, my body, or my belief.
🖤 My safety is not negotiable. My trust must be earned.
🖤 I am allowed to rest while others do their own work.
🪶 Closing Reflection
“If his change requires your suffering to prove it, it isn’t change — it’s another performance.”
— WeSurviveAbuse.com