A man "changes".Why do we women receive this as our "marching orders"?Do men do this? NO. They treat our changes and transformations as our pe
A man “changes”.
Why do we women receive this as our “marching orders”?
Do men do this? NO. They treat our changes and transformations as our personal issues. They barely notice.
So why do we as women move as if we just received a legal amendment in an authoritarian society or a sacred revelation?
Then shame other women and the children into performing as believers too?
Somehow, we allowed ourselves to believe that when a man says he’s “changed,” it’s women who should get to work — proving it, supporting it, forgiving it, managing it.
Gretchen Anthony, a 51-year-old human-resources professional from Jupiter, Florida, was murdered by her estranged husband David Anthony in March 2020. lcsun-news.com+3Wikipedia+3ABC News+3
David had filed for divorce just weeks before she vanished. CBS News+1 When Gretchen disappeared, her loved ones received text messages from what appeared to be her phone claiming she’d been quarantined for COVID-19. But investigators uncovered that the messages were part of a cover-up. ABC News+1 Doubts deepened when a neighbor reported hearing her screams in the early morning hours—“No! No it hurts!”—outside her home. ABC News+1 David was eventually arrested in New Mexico, pled guilty to second-degree murder and kidnapping, revealed the body’s location, and was sentenced to 38 years in prison. WPBF+1
Interestingly, prior to the murder he had a criminal record which included an armed robbery (with a squirt gun) and he had changed his name from David Anthony Deutsch to David E. Anthony. Wikipedia
This case highlights something deeply troubling: the way name changes, new identities, and grooming behaviors can serve as camouflage for deeper threats. When investigators discovered that David Anthony had legally changed his name after committing a crime, something his employer never knew, it opened another door of truth. He had been working at a gym — surrounded by women who believed they were safe — and yet no one knew his real history. That is not a small thing. It’s a warning.
Women’s safety cannot depend on how much men choose to reveal, or how effectively they can reinvent themselves.
Our safety is not a side effect of men’s self-discovery or new identities — it must be a protected right, independent of their stories, wants, or reputations.
Because when men are free to rebrand without accountability, women are left to carry the risk in silence.
The right to safety isn’t negotiable. It isn’t based on a man’s word, name, or promise to change. It’s based on truth, transparency, and systems that refuse to prioritize a man’s privacy over a woman’s protection.
Why Do We Jump to Defend Men Who “Change”?
You asked: Why do we as women jump to defend males who change things about themselves, as if it ever benefited us in any way? And When men change their identity, this rarely serves women.
Here are thoughts rooted in this truth:
Change can feel hopeful. When someone we care about says, “I’m turning over a new leaf,” we want to believe it. Especially if we’ve invested emotionally. So we may overlook red flags in the hope of transformation.
But transformation is often framed by the individual — while what we women and girls need is a transformation in how we are treated, seen, protected. Name changes or cosmetic shifts don’t erase patterns of power, control, fear.
In cases like Gretchen’s, the outward “change” (name-change, relocation, new job, new identity) functions as a veneer. The underlying dynamic — control, threat, betrayal — remains. The change becomes a tactic, not a shield for us.
Women’s trust gets stretched when we believe the “new identity” will ensure our safety, only to learn that the person was never accountable for the core harm. The shift becomes more about the perpetrator’s narrative than our protection.
So yes — when men change their identity, it rarely serves women unless the change is part of a genuine accountability process that centers our safety, voice, and healing. Without that, the “change” is performative.
🌟 Takeaway
Your vigilance and your question matter deeply. When someone we care about presents change, we must ask: Is this change grounded in my safety, dignity, and truth — or in his story of change?
We deserve relationships and systems where our protection is non-negotiable, where transformation isn’t just for the actor, but for the impact on us.
*To be clear, I do not know what this poor victim, Gretchen knew and it does not matter. She had a right to safety.
In any case, she was in the process of leaving this man for good.
My point is that the turning point for investigators in this case and then for those watching and listening….the minute you know that David Anthony had changed his identity prior to being with Gretchen, some part of you loses hope that she will be found alive.
His wife is missing. His employer fired him due to odd behavior. He changed his name before he met her?
Hope fades. Pattern recognition.
May she find the peace that was violently stolen from her.