When Setting Boundaries Feels Wrong (But It’s Actually You Healing)

“We don’t warn one another how hard this part is.”

Sometimes setting a boundary feels less like self-care and more like you’re about to get in trouble. You feel it in your body—tight chest, racing thoughts, guilt. But that fear isn’t proof you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something new. Something radical. Something right.

Here’s why setting boundaries can feel so wrong—and why that feeling doesn’t mean you should stop:

1. You were taught that being “good” meant being available

• Many of us, especially women, were raised to equate goodness with compliance.

• So when you say “no,” it feels like you’re betraying the version of you that always said “yes.”

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2. You’re afraid of being punished

• If you’ve been gaslit, abused, or controlled, your body remembers that boundaries once triggered retaliation.

• Now, even safe boundaries can feel like a threat to your survival.

3. You fear being called selfish, mean, or difficult

• Setting boundaries goes against social conditioning—especially for women, Black women, and Survivors.

• We’ve been told our needs make others uncomfortable. That’s not truth—it’s manipulation.

4. You’re grieving the loss of who people wanted you to be

• When you start healing, you stop people-pleasing.

• And that can feel like you’re disappointing others… even when you’re finally showing up for yourself.

5. You’re stepping into power—and that’s unfamiliar

• Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re doors. And they only feel harsh when you’re used to leaving everything wide open.

• Feeling wrong is often a sign you’re leaving the familiar cage.

🧠 Gentle Reframe

Feeling like you’re “doing something bad” when setting a boundary is often just trauma echoing through your nervous system. But your fear doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

It means you’re unlearning.
It means you’re healing.
It means you’re building a new way of being—one that centers your safety, not just your survival.

✨ 5 Healing Affirmations

1. I am allowed to protect my peace, even if others don’t understand it.

2. Feeling fear doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong.

3. My safety is not up for debate.

4. Boundaries are not punishments—they are sacred acts of love.

5. I do not need permission to put myself first.