How People Prompt or Lure Women to Prove Their Worth

"Why doesn't she leave? Why did she go back?" We don't spend a lot of time examining what makes women doubt themselves. I look forward to the days

“Why doesn’t she leave? Why did she go back?”

We don’t spend a lot of time examining what makes women doubt themselves. I look forward to the days when we do.

We interrogate women who remain in violent relationships without questioning how people respond to women when they speak up around their own safety concerns.

What we see and hear every day from elected leaders, social media, school officials, jail officials, corporations, and organizations is that when a woman speaks up about female safety concerns, she morphs into a “hateful bigoted villain.” Now, you have some small idea how difficult it is for a woman to convince other people that she requires enhanced safety and protection measures from her husband, boyfriend, or children’s father.

Imagine what it feels like for a woman to pick up the phone and call a stranger, asking for help. Or to leave the safety of her home and walk into a shelter or a courthouse, where she must convince someone she’s never met that her fear is real and that her life is in danger.

She is forced to plead her case in a world that too often dismisses women as the experts of our own lived experiences. A world that questions, doubts, and minimizes our stories—even when they are about our own lives.

For the past decade or more, we have witnessed a painful truth: The world is more willing to accept a man’s interpretation of what a woman’s life is like than to believe a woman’s own account of her reality.

This isn’t just unfair. It’s a profound injustice. It means women are repeatedly forced to justify their fear, defend their dignity, and prove their pain—all while navigating systems that are designed to discredit them.

This is what it means to fight for safety and protection in a world that refuses to listen.

People are conditioned to believe that women and girls are dishonest about:

safety risks
violence
abuse
danger

Hunting the Prey for Proof

People often use subtle and manipulative tactics to lure you into proving your worth. These tactics are designed to put you on the defensive, making you feel as though you must justify your experiences, boundaries, or even your humanity. Here are some common ways they do it:

Questioning Your Experiences:

“Are you sure it was really that bad?”
“Do you have any proof that happened?”
These questions aren’t about seeking understanding; they’re about casting doubt on your lived experiences. The goal is to make you feel like you need to provide evidence to validate your own reality.

Playing Devil’s Advocate:

“Just to play devil’s advocate, don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“What if you’re just too sensitive?”
This tactic masks invalidating your feelings as intellectual debate. It subtly suggests that your emotions or reactions are unreasonable, prompting you to defend your feelings instead of standing firm in them.

Using Hypotheticals to Undermine Boundaries:

“If a woman isn’t afraid of using a unisex bathroom, why are you?”
“You are his third wife? Well, the other wives lived so chances are you should be okay right? (a judge)
“If others are okay with this, why do you feel uncomfortable?”
These hypotheticals aren’t about understanding your perspective; they’re about challenging your boundaries by implying that they’re irrational or inconsistent. The aim is to make you justify your comfort zones, as though they require external approval.

Comparative Minimization:

“Other people have it worse than you. Why are you complaining?”
“If she could handle it, why couldn’t you?”
This comparison tactic is meant to minimize your experiences by juxtaposing them against others’ struggles. It implies that your pain or discomfort is insignificant, leading you to feel guilty for speaking up.

False Praise Coupled with Doubt:

“You’re so strong—I don’t see why this would bother you.”
“I don’t know ma’am. You look pretty strong to me. Are you sure you can’t take him? (a judge actually said this to a woman I accompanied)
Another judge agreed with a woman’s estranged husband when he suggested that since a woman petitioning for a protective order carried a firearm for work, she should be “safe at home.”
“You’re usually so confident. Are you sure you’re not just being emotional this time?”
This tactic weaponizes compliments to cast doubt on your experiences. It frames your emotional response as a contradiction to your character, making you feel the need to explain or justify why you’re affected.

Dismissing or Laughing Off Your Concerns:

“Oh, come on, you’re being dramatic.”
“You’re just too sensitive. Lighten up!”
This approach belittles your feelings and shames you for taking yourself seriously. It pressures you to downplay your emotions to fit into a narrative that suits the other person’s comfort.

Why Women Fall into This Trap More Than Men

Women are socialized in ways that make them more vulnerable to this manipulation. Here’s why:

Conditioned to Seek Approval:
From a young age, women are taught to be agreeable, accommodating, and pleasant. They are conditioned to seek approval and validation, especially from men or authority figures. This conditioning makes it easier to manipulate women into justifying their actions, feelings, or boundaries.
Socialization to Prioritize Others’ Comfort:
Women are often raised to prioritize others’ comfort over their own needs or safety. They are socialized to be peacemakers, nurturers, and caretakers. As a result, when their boundaries or experiences make others uncomfortable, they feel obligated to explain or justify themselves to maintain social harmony.
Double Standards and Scrutiny:
Women are subject to double standards and heightened scrutiny in both personal and professional settings. Their competence, intelligence, and even their emotions are constantly evaluated, leading to internalized pressure to prove their worth to be taken seriously.
Fear of Negative Labels:
Women who assert themselves are often labeled as “difficult,” “emotional,” or “overreacting.” To avoid these labels, women may feel compelled to over-explain or defend themselves to be seen as rational or reasonable.
Historical and Cultural Narratives:
Patriarchal narratives have historically positioned women as less credible, less rational, and less authoritative. These cultural scripts linger today, causing women to feel that they must provide extra evidence or reasoning to be believed or respected.
Internalized Self-Doubt and Imposter Syndrome:
Due to societal messaging that questions women’s capabilities, many women internalize self-doubt and imposter syndrome. They question their own worth and feel the need to prove themselves constantly, even when they are fully qualified or justified in their actions and beliefs.

Breaking Free: Reclaiming Your Worth Without Justification

Name the Tactic: Recognize when someone is using manipulative language to make you prove your worth. Call it out if you feel safe doing so.
Stand Firm in Your Truth: You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your feelings, boundaries, or experiences. Your worth is inherent and unconditional.
Reject False Equivalencies: If someone uses irrelevant comparisons or hypotheticals, refuse to engage in the false narrative. Redirect the conversation back to your truth.
Surround Yourself with Affirming Voices: Build a support system that believes and validates your experiences without demanding proof or justification. In this world, all women need one.
Affirm Your Worth Daily: Practice self-affirmations that reinforce your inherent worthiness and dignity, regardless of external validation.

You Are Enough, Just As You Are

You do not have to prove your worth to anyone. Not to society, not to family, not to colleagues, not to friends.
Your experiences are valid because you lived them.
Your boundaries are real because you need them.
Your feelings are worthy because you feel them.

You don’t have to defend your humanity. You don’t have to justify your dignity. You don’t have to prove your existence.

You are enough, just as you are.
You are worthy, simply because you exist.