If Every Man Gets to Ask Women Why They Said No, Where Does It End?

There is an age when "Why?" is one of the sweetest and most exhausting words in the English language.Why is the sky blue?Why do dogs bark?

There is an age when “Why?” is one of the sweetest and most exhausting words in the English language.

Why is the sky blue?

Why do dogs bark?

Stylish black and white portrait of a woman against a stone wall in Rabat.

Photo by MAG Photography

Why do I have to go to bed?

Why can’t I have another cookie?

Absolutely adorable. Exhausting but adorable. We understand it because toddlers have been on this earth for less than five years. Everything is new. They are learning how the world works.

But grown women cannot spend their lives standing before grown men answering an endless chain of “But why won’t you date me?”

Because once we establish that a woman’s no requires a socially acceptable explanation, somebody else is going to want his hearing too.

So let’s imagine the line.

Men much older than her
Men much younger than her
Men old enough to be her father
Men old enough to be her grandfather
Her father’s or grandfather’s friends
Men who knew her when she was a child
Former babysitters, coaches, teachers, mentors, pastors, or other adults from her childhood
Her friends’ fathers
Her parents’ friends
Men she grew up viewing as family
Men who are related to her former partners
Coworkers
Supervisors or bosses
Employees or subordinates
Neighbors
Friends she only wants as friends
Her friends’ brothers
Men within her religious community
Men outside her religion
Men whose religious beliefs conflict with hers
Men whose political or moral values conflict with hers
Married men
Separated-but-not-divorced men
Men practicing polyamory or nonmonogamy
Men who want children
Men who do not want children
Men who already have children
Men with more children than she wants involved in her life
Men who want her to become a stepmother
Men who want marriage when she does not
Men who do not want marriage when she does
Men who want casual sex when she wants commitment
Men who want commitment when she does not
Men whose sexual expectations are incompatible with hers
Men whose relationship expectations are incompatible with hers
Men whose lifestyles she does not want
Men whose substance use she does not want around her
Men whose financial habits concern her
Men whose criminal history she does not want incorporated into her life
Men whose relationship history concerns her
Men whose behavior toward former partners concerns her
Men whose attitudes toward women concern her
Men whose ideas about household roles conflict with hers
Men who expect her to provide domestic labor she does not want to provide
Men who expect financial support she does not want to provide
Men who expect her to relocate
Men who expect her to abandon or reduce her career
Men who expect her to become a caregiver
Men whose family dynamics she does not want to marry into
Men who live too far away
Men who want long-distance relationships when she does not
Men she does not find physically attractive
Men whose personalities do not appeal to her
Men whose hygiene or grooming does not appeal to her
Men whose communication style exhausts her
Men whose social lives are incompatible with hers
Men whose ideas about privacy conflict with hers
Men who want considerably more contact, attention, or togetherness than she does
Men who want considerably less
Men she simply does not enjoy being around
Men who seem perfectly nice but produce no romantic feeling in her whatsoever
Men everyone else thinks she should want
Men who believe being successful should make them eligible
Men who believe being wealthy should make them eligible
Men who believe being educated should make them eligible
Men who believe being attractive should make them eligible
Men who believe being “a good guy” should make them eligible
Men who bought dinner and believe that should make them eligible
Men who have waited patiently and believe waiting should make them eligible
Men who supported her through something and believe that should make them eligible
Men who have been her friend for years and believe friendship should eventually become romance
Men who insist she has never given “men like me” a chance
Men who believe her previous relationships prove she should give them a chance
Men who believe another woman’s willingness should determine hers
Men who believe her previous willingness means she should be willing again
Men who believe her reason for saying no is shallow
Men who believe her reason is prejudiced
Men who believe her standards are too high
Men who believe she will regret saying no
Men who believe she would like them if she “gave it a chance”
Men who believe attraction can be negotiated
Men who believe her boundary needs to be interrogated
Men who believe rejection entitles them to an explanation
And men who simply cannot understand why “I don’t want to” is already an answer.

Maybe she’s perfectly fine with dating guys in these categories, but maybe she isn’t. Maybe not right now. Maybe never.

Women Are Holding the Line of Consent

The danger in requiring women to justify one category of rejection is that the principle doesn’t stay neatly inside that category. Once we say a woman owes an explanation for excluding these men, the next question becomes unavoidable:

Which men aren’t entitled to an explanation?

That is why the line has to be held farther back.

Before the arguments. Before the categories. Before somebody decides whether her reason is enlightened enough, compassionate enough, modern enough, rational enough or fair enough.

Consent cannot survive if “no” merely opens negotiations.

Women are not defending every reason every woman has ever given for rejecting somebody.

We are defending something more fundamental:

Her authority to decide.

Otherwise, we are raising a civilization of grown adults who approach women’s boundaries like toddlers who just discovered their favorite question.

Why?

But why?

Okay, but why?

Why not me?

Why not men like me?

What if I am different?

What if your reason isn’t good enough?